the girl with all of the choices

s e v e n t y

**TW: Mentions of self-harm, suicide, and panic attacks**

5445 words

january tenth- amortentia, round two

~ Draco's POV ~

It had been a week since we left the Room of Requirement.

So much had changed.

Our life before the holiday was okay. Not perfect, but liveable. Doable. Sure, I was lying to her, sure, she was sceptical, sure, the anxiety of telling her was eating me from the inside out, and sure, we barely got to see each other, but we were making it work. She didn't have to do anything she didn't want to. I didn't have to see her upset and know that I was the cause of her pain and torment.

It was doable.

This wasn't doable.

I relived the worst parts of our holiday every night in my dreams. Well, they weren't dreams. They were nightmares.

"What's wrong? You want to know what's fucking wrong? What's fucking wrong is that this world is a piece of shit. What's wrong is that my father is so much of a coward that I have to do his bidding. What's wrong is the whole fucking idea of caring whether or not someone has muggles for parents. What's wrong is the fact that you can't possibly love me, that you won't love me anymore, not after this! And what's fucking wrong is that I don't have a fucking choice about it!"

"I could never not love you," she mumbled, placing her hand on my arm and stroking it in an attempt to console me,

"You can't say that. You won't love me," I argued, shaking her off of me.

"Stop doing this. Stop pushing me away. You have no idea what I'll do. And what does any of this have to do with Slughorn's Christmas Party?"

"It's not about the fucking party! It's about why I couldn't go with you to the party!"

"You said you had family things. That's a perfectly valid reason to not have-"

"Do you hear yourself? Family things. Do you even know who my family is? What they do?"

"I know your family is in shambles, that you are in shambles because of what happened with your father-"

"You're avoiding the answer!" I cried. "You're seeing the effect without acknowledging the cause! Why the fuck is my family in ruins, Addison?"

"Because he's in Azkaban-"

"Exactly! He's in fucking Azkaban because he's a fucking Death Eater! He's there because he's one of them! He wants people like you dead!"

"What is your point here?" she queried through a sigh, obviously trying to deescalate the situation. I couldn't let her succeed in that. I needed her to see the truth, see the real me so that she would leave. I didn't deserve her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she forced herself into the situation of staying.

I met here eyes slowly, hesitantly, trying to show her as much of my darkness as possible.

But then she met mine, and I almost folded in on myself. The way she was looking at me tore all of my defences down. The guilt bubbled in my throat, knowing that no matter how much I told myself it was better for her to leave or that she would be safer without me, I was hurting her. I had to hurt her to keep her safe. Again.

"I'm evil, Addie. I'm full of darkness. My family is too. You are good, y-you are full of bright blazing white light. Somehow you fucking tolerate me, and I have no idea how you can even begin to love me. You do the right things, fight for all the right reasons. I don't do that. And yet, here we are." I paused for a moment, letting my voice grow louder with my next phrase. "We cannot coexist like this."