the girl with all of the choices

s i x t y - e i g h t

warning- sexual themes

5083 words

december thirty-first- apologies

~ Addison ~

I have no idea what possessed me to tell him I was staying. It was almost a week ago and I still don't know why I said it.

What devil possessed me to produce those words.

Part of me knew why I said it, a small part of me.

But a much larger part of me didn't know why I said it. Didn't understand why that small part of me could justify it.

Because I should have been running. Far far away. As fast as I could.

But here I was, curled up in his arms in bed.

Naked.

Christmas night had been wonderful. I told him I wasn't leaving- a big mistake- and it was like I asked him to marry me. In a good way. In the way that all people who propose hope that their significant others will react. With lots of snogging and desire and passion and then oh my god- we were in the bedroom. And then we were in the shower. And then we were on the couch. And back to the bed again.

We didn't sleep Christmas night.

Because we needed each other.

Desperately.

And the worst part was that I didn't hate myself about it. The fact that I was sleeping with a Death Eater. Because it was him. The part of me that missed him so much since July won out over my rational brain. Because I couldn't stop going back for more. And more. And more.

Every day.

I didn't feel bad about it.

Because Merlin was it good. Addicting, even. I began to understand his obsession with draining the blood from his arm. Because I was draining all reason from my body. But it was addicting.

He was addicting.

And I think he was just as addicted to me. To knowing I was still there. To feeling me. To... well, I don't think I need to explain the rest of that.

But the incredible sex couldn't justify the fact that I had stayed. He had given me two opportunities to leave, to walk away, and I stayed both times.

I felt guilty.

I was a member of the Order of the Pheonix. I wasn't a good one, considering I was still inside Hogwarts, but I was nevertheless, a member. Tonks and I had been meeting, albeit very scarcely, and never for long, to train. I had made up excuses to not be able to on many occasions; I didn't want to see her and have her scold me for being with Draco.

She was right, and that made me feel guilty.

I also felt guilty because of my friends. Fawn had been right from the start. Justin was right two months ago. Both Fawn and Ainsley had just started to call him by his first name, to really accept that we were together and in it for as long as possible.

Because it was New Year's Eve, which meant in a few days we would have to wake up and leave the safety of this room. That meant that I would have to face the fact that he was a Death Eater.

It also meant I would have to face them.

How could I face Fawn knowing that I was still with the son of the man who killed her sister, knowing that he was doing the exact same things his father was when he ruined her family's lives? How could I face Ainsley knowing that she was just starting to warm up to him? How could I face Matt knowing that his allegiances were the reason Hannah's mother was dead? How could I face Ernie knowing that he was the one to consistently defend us? How could I face Justin knowing that his claims were true, knowing that he was right, knowing that I had been treating him like shit for two months standing up for him?