the girl with all of the choices

o n e h u n d r e d f i f t e e n

**TW: blood, panic attacks**

8214 words

march twenty-second- the golden fucking trio

~ Draco  ~

It had been a strange three weeks since I arrived back home. 

I was a Malfoy. It was my last name. It was the name of my parents. The Manor was named after our family. I had followed in the footsteps of the Malfoys before me by taking the mark, even if it was unwillingly. I had the blond hair and the pale complexion and the sneer and my father's height. 

I didn't feel like a Malfoy. I wasn't acting like a Malfoy. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to be a Malfoy anymore. I didn't know who I was. 

Well, that was a lie. I did know who I was. Draco Lucius Malfoy. 18 years old. Slytherin. Blond hair, grey eyes, 6 feet and 1 inch tall. A Death Eater who hated his fate. A boy helplessly in love with a girl who he wasn't supposed to have, wasn't even supposed to look at. A boy, not a man.

I thought that I had grappled with it, with who I was versus who I was supposed to be. When I was at Hogwarts in the fall, it was so easy to make sense of. I didn't have to be someone that I wasn't, not with her. Not with Addie. She didn't look at me like I was a Malfoy. She didn't look at me the way Father looked at me. To her, I was Draco. The boy who looked at her as if she held the world in her hands. The boy, not the man. 

I wasn't a man because as soon as I stepped back into the Manor permanently, I folded. I wasn't Draco anymore. I was the youngest Malfoy. One of the youngest Death Eaters in history, at the time that I took my mark. I was cold, calculating, and critical. Gone were the days of smiling with my witch and laughing at Theo's jokes.

Yet, I kept her with me. It wasn't always intentional. A little more than a week prior, I had a dream of her. Maybe it wasn't a dream, necessarily, but it was a vision. Something that tied her to me. 

I heard her voice. I thought it was her voice, I wasn't completely sure. 

"I miss you."

The air was cold then. I had been in my room reading, trying to pass the time in any way that I could. I didn't have any windows open, but I felt a breeze. My hovering Lumos even darkened into nothing so that the moonlight was the only source of brilliance. 

I stood and walked over towards the balcony attached to my room, my courage building for a moment as I opened the door and strode out onto the gallery. The stars were bright, so fucking bright. I found my namesake with unsuspecting ease. It always made me feel centred when I felt lost. The thing that really calmed me down though was the feeling of her hands around my waist as she stood behind me, her head nuzzling into the space between my shoulder blades because she was too short to do anything else. 

Addie. She wasn't there but I could feel her. I knew I could. And I also knew, or at the very least had this visceral feeling that she could feel me too.

I wondered then if we were thinking of each other at the same time.

The wind then blew again, the clouds shifting so that the moon was hidden from view. Then, in an instant, everything stopped. The breeze ceased, the clouds stilled, the stars seemed to dim. I was worried that our connection, whatever it was, had been lost. I held my breath without thinking about it. I could only hear my heartbeat.

The stars eventually pulsed again as I had begun to notice that they had. But then, there was a pause. They stopped. And her voice returned.

"I'm so fucking lonely."