Comeback

1- Hoscakal (Farewell)

Can

There is nothing left for me in Istanbul, not even the promise I made to my father, that I would take care of Fikri Harika in his absence, would be able to keep me in this city anymore.
There is nothing and no one for me here anymore.

My Istanbul was Sanem, nothing else mattered and nothing could keep me from leaving the city, only my love for her, up to that point, had managed to keep me for more than a year still in one place.
I had thought I had found my place in the world, this I had confided to my father on the phone call that evening when I had joined her at the theater and revealed to her that I was her albatross.

I was full of hope for the future, I felt that my life had come to a turning point.
I was no longer alone in the world, I had found my partner for life, I felt it.
Then so many problems, our inability to face difficulties together, so many misunderstandings have undermined our relationship, so many people have tried to divide us but, despite everything we have always managed to find each other, our love has brought us back into each other's arms.

Until this evening.

I can't accept what happened, I can't accept that I reacted so violently against Yigit, that man I detest so much, but to whom I would never have wanted to hurt.

It wasn't me at that moment, a Can that I didn't know until now took over, an angry, jealous, aggressive man who had been wrongly accused.
I never expected to react that way, it's not in my nature.
I have been practicing martial arts for many years and I have always been clear that the mind must necessarily always govern the body, instinct and spontaneous reaction.

But when the regret for having seen Sanem's diary burned was added to Yigiti's unfair accusation that it was I who threw it into the fire, at that moment a blind rage invaded me and I pushed him with all the strength I had in my body.

Seeing him lying there unconscious, his pose disheveled and unnatural stopped my heart, but it was nothing compared to the excruciating pain I felt when I met the fearful gaze of my Sanem. She looked at me as if she didn't recognize me, as if she was suddenly afraid of me, as if she might think I could hurt her.

The ambulance, the arrival at the hospital, the hours of waiting in the corridor while the doctors assessed the situation, her staying away from me and hardly looking me in the eyes.

Then the terrible news, from Huma, of the serious consequences of Yigit's fall: because of me he would have lived a life in a wheelchair.

I felt I was dying, I felt like a horrible person, I was anguished and tormented, I raised a heartfelt look at Sanem, I looked to her for consolation and support in that difficult moment of my life and.... I found nothing for me.

I met only an empty, absent, distant and unreachable gaze, I reached out my hand to take hers and she turned away from me.
She turned her back on me, heedless of my suffering.
I still tried to talk to her, I touched her arm.

- Sanem -

In response she turned around with tears in her eyes and an expression full of anger that I had never seen on her beautiful face.

- What do you want Can? What do you want from me? I don't know who you are, you're not my albatross, you're not the person I thought I had fallen in love with.
The violent reaction you had towards me the night you found out I had given Fabbri the perfume had scared me, but the uncontainable anger I saw today, I would never have believed you were capable of it.
I don't recognize you, or maybe today I see you for the first time for what you are.
I don't understand your behavior, why did you burn my diary?
Why did you want to ruin my dream of becoming a writer?
Are you afraid that if I published my novel I would distance myself from you?

I was petrified, I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing and my brain was trying to process.

- I didn't understand, are you afraid of me? Do you think I can hurt you? Do you really think that I could have voluntarily destroyed something so important to you?

With trembling hands she rewrapped the hair that had fallen on her face, looking anywhere but at me.

- Bilmiyorum, I don't know, right now I'm not sure of anything -

My heart tore into a thousand pieces, if she had this kind of doubt about me there was no trust, there was nothing to build a life together on.
I sighed and took a step back.

- Tamam, alright, if that's the case then hoscakal, goodbye.

I turned around and started down that endless hallway, the deafening sound of my crazed heart pounding in my ears would not cover her voice, a call from her, but she didn't call me, she didn't stop me.

My heart stopped, it simply stopped beating, it no longer had anyone to keep it going for.