Comeback

33 - Love Me

Sanem

We walk, holding hands in silence, along long forest paths inside the Mihriban estate.
Holding his hand is like being at home, it's so strange to be with him after what we've been through in the last few months, it feels foreign but also extremely familiar, it's as if a sense of belonging prevails over the distance that may have been created in this long time we've been separated.

We walk for a long time when we finally come to a clearing that houses a small wooden hut, it is very similar to the one Can owns in the mountains, the place that has witnessed so much of our history together.

- How beautiful here! - I exclaim sincerely enchanted by the beauty and peace of that place.

He stops and takes both my hands, looking seriously into my eyes.

- Sanem, I want you to know everything, I want you to know what I've been doing and where I've been for the past few months -

I look at him questioningly, shaking my head. I realize that I'm afraid to know and I'm afraid to tell him what has happened to me over the past few months instead, how will he react knowing I've been hospitalized? I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it right now.

- Sanem, it's only fair that you know that I've been living here for more than two months, I've been here all this time -

I bring a hand to my mouth in an exclamation of amazement, I don't understand, how here?
How did he get here?

He guides me to sit on the first step of the staircase leading to the cabin, takes a big breath and begins to tell.

He tells of his long and lonely journey in the Mediterranean that lasted three months, at the end of which he realized that there could be no one else in his life but me, his return and the eagerness to see me to talk and settle our differences and the animosity of all towards him.
How this time he had decided not to give up and had lurked for days in my neighborhood hoping to find clues about me, of Medvike's stalking to the Beyoglu neighborhood,

He pauses for a moment, squeezes my hand tighter and brings it to his lips to kiss it then takes a big breath as if preparing for what's coming.

- I followed Medvike to a large structure, at first I didn't understand where we were and why, I thought she had come to visit some acquaintance, then I saw her coming out of a pavilion with you, Sanem. It was you, but it wasn't you anymore.
My heart tore into a thousand pieces, I couldn't believe what had happened to you, how I could have led you to live through such a situation, to have you lost in utter nothingness rather than face life without me.

Özür dilerim, I beg your pardon Sanem, I would never have wanted something like this to happen, never ever would I have wanted to hurt you and instead I did so much, too much.

Beni affet, please forgive me -

I'm speechless, I'm ashamed that he saw me in that state, it wasn't me in those moments, I was completely absent, disappeared, I took refuge in a far away place, inaccessible, I don't know how to explain it either but I have to try to do it for him.

-Bak, look Can, yes it's true I was sick but you don't have to feel responsible, what led me into that situation was only my stupidity, my naivety, my mistakes.
You are not to blame, I am the one who must apologize, I was only sick because of me, because of the guilt for what I had done, for what I had done to you that had caused your departure, you had gone away from me because of me.
It is I who must ask for your forgiveness, not you -

He looks at me with eyes full of all the love possible, we are both moved by that moment of sincerity, of truly sharing our deepest feelings.
I want to reassure him again.

- They have been heavy months, but luckily I have slowly managed to come out of it Can, the thought of you has helped me to come back, you have always been my beacon, even in the deepest darkness I imagined seeing you and I managed to regain a sense of reality.
You're everything to me, you're my anchor, my lifesaver, only the thought of you was able to bring me back to myself.

He brings my hand to his lips again to kiss it, he has tears in his eyes, obviously moved by my words.

- Sanem, I have to tell you something.

You didn't imagine that you saw me.

It was me Sanem, it was always me in your visions.

Since I found out what was happening to you I never left you Sanem, it was me in the garden and then it was me in your room during the night. I figured out a way to be near you to bring you back to me. I couldn't live without the woman of my life, I had to help you come back to reality -

Now I am definitely shocked, I couldn't believe that truth.

In a flash I see again all the images of him in the garden smiling at me, greeting me, all the caresses in the night, the whispered words, his calls to come back, his light kisses.

It was those moments that allowed me to climb back up the slope of a black, absolute, suffocating despair.

How had he managed it? As if he had heard me he began to narrate again.

- I was desperate, worried sick about you, didn't know what to do to help you and felt terribly guilty. As chance would have it, I heard that they were looking for bricklayers to work on the construction site set up in the pavilion near where you were hospitalized, and on the spur of the moment I accepted the job. This allowed me to stay the night inside the structure, in the guest quarters reserved for the workers.

But I didn't spend my nights there, I would wait until the wee hours and then I would come to you, I had discovered that the French window in your room didn't close properly and I would sneak in like a thief.

I would stay with you almost until dawn, I needed it and you needed it.

I would then look for you in the garden during the lunch break, that's when you started to show signs of coming back to reality, you started to perceive me slowly and since then your healing process started -

I am speechless, what has this man done for me?

He left everything and everyone just to be near me and help me, how was that possible?

What a wonderful being he is?

- I don't understand, how did you get here? -

- Mihriban discovered me, he tracked me down in the garden while I was watching you secretly and confronted me like a lioness defending her cub.

She threatened me in case I hurt you again and then instead became our guardian angel.

She's the one who talked to the doctor so that he could advise your parents to send you to the country. She is an exceptional woman, I will never know how to repay her, a lifetime won't be enough.

She brought you here because she thought it would be good for you, but also to allow me to continue to stay close to you and I thank Allah for that, if I hadn't followed you the night you fell into the sea now... I don't even want to think about it -

I am speechless with emotion, with the love I feel for this man that I think I don't deserve. He's done everything for me without me knowing it, he's been there for me and he's undone himself to help me get better. I love him so much! I bring a hand to his cheek, look intensely into his eyes.

- Can seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much. At this moment even more, I didn't think it was possible and instead I feel that I love you more than I imagined was humanly possible. You have been my guardian angel all this time, it was because of your love and closeness that I am back to myself and living a new life.
How will I ever be able to repay you for all that you have done for me? -

- Love me Sanem, just love me ...-