Comeback

2 - Without him

Sanem

Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I call him right away, before he walked out that damned hospital ward door?

It only took a few minutes to regret my words, to realize that I had been overwhelmed by the anguished feelings of that moment, by the guilt of what had happened between Yigit and Can because of me, and I had not reasoned, had not thought before speaking.
I could never, ever be afraid of my albatross, I had always seen kindness and goodness in his eyes, it's true that I had also seen a lot of anger when things between us had fallen apart, but I absolutely could not think that he could lift a finger on me.

As far as the diary was concerned, it was no longer important, I knew very well that with my photographic memory I could rewrite it in no time.

Why had I accused Can so harshly?

I didn't know what to think, it seemed impossible to me that either of them could have deliberately thrown him into the flames, I couldn't find a valid reason to do so on either Yigit's or Can's part.

I immediately tried to call him but his phone was hopelessly off, I left dozens of voicemails, I sent him repeated messages. I called Emre and we ran to his house only to find a sad note on the kitchen table with a laconic "I'm leaving".

Reading those few words something clicked in me, my heart stopped beating knowing that there was no more hope of reconciliation, I felt that this time he had left me for real, that he wasn't coming back.

This time my albatross had flown away never to return.

My mind started to replay in a convulsive way every single frame of the last moments we spent together, I got lost in those images, I started to see and see again his face hurt by my words, I heard his voice repeating in my ears a million times hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, hoscakal, farewell.

Now I'm here in my room with the poster of the albatross, but I don't look at it, I don't see anything really, my mind doesn't stop playing images, an uninterrupted roundup of moments lived together. I hear my sister, my mother, my father enter and leave the room, they talk to me but I don't hear them, I only hear his voice: hoscakal,hoscakal,hoscakal, farewell.

Day comes, then night, then day again, then night again...without him.

I don't move from my room, I don't move from that bed, I don't care to sleep, I don't care to eat, I feel that they talk to me, they touch me, they shake me but I can't focus my attention on what's around me.

I don't know if I should define my photographic memory as a blessing that allows me not to leave out anything, any moment, any image of our story or a curse that sucks me into a parallel reality where we still exist together, there are still our smiles, our hugs, our caresses.

Another day comes, another night, another day, another night.... without him.

I see the light change in the room, I hear my parents, I hear Cey Cey, I hear Layla, I hear Emre but their voices are distant echoes that cannot reach me.

I'm at the cabin, I'm on the rocks, I'm in the agency's archive, I'm in the car, I'm in the park... I'm with him, I'm with him smiling at me and looking at me with loving eyes, I'm with him asking me to marry him, I'm with him in the woods, I'm with him in the hammock by the sea.....

Day again, night again, day again, night again......without him.