Comeback

23 - Desperate

Sanem

I've started to put my life in order and I feel the need to face the world outside this corner of paradise out of time and space that is the Mihriban estate.

It's time to get back in touch with the people who love me, who I have unwittingly made suffer because of my sudden "absence", I think of Ayhan, Osman, Cey Ceye even Deren who eventually became a dear friend to both of us.
I retrieve the phone that for more than six months I have not felt the need to turn on, I am amazed by the avalanche of notifications that arrive, some are very old, are not long after the departure of Can.
Yigit looked for me, he left several voice messages asking where I was and to be contacted again.

I haven't been in touch with him since, I feel guilty for what happened to him because of me and I feel the need to see him. Layla told me that luckily he is not in a wheelchair, as Huma had told us that terrible night in the hospital, but he needs the support of a cane to walk.
He has moved the publishing house elsewhere, she gave me the new address she knows because since the lower floor is also occupied by Fikri Harika's offices, she is the one who takes care of redirecting the mail that arrives at the new location.

Preferring to go to him in person rather than call, I ask Bulut to drive me to the nearest cab station and take a cab to the other side of town.
The publishing house has moved to a building that is decidedly dilapidated compared to the one that awaited it on the lower floor of the Fikri Harika.
I enter the building and find a sign indicating that the publishing house is on the third floor, there is no elevator and in Yigit's condition it must not be easy to go to the office every day, I am perplexed.
I get to the floor and enter through a glass door, in front of me there is a desk with a secretary, I approach and just in time to ask to speak to Yigit I see him walking towards the offices on the other side of the corridor.
I'm stunned, I can't believe my eyes. I ask the young lady who is on the phone and is probably trying to call Yigit who clearly cannot answer.
- Mr. Yigit doesn't need to use the cane anymore? I am so glad! -
She looks at me questioningly.
- The cane? I don't understand, he has never used a cane -
I look at her in amazement.
- How? He didn't need the cane after the accident he had seven months ago? -
Now you're looking at me more and more amazed.
- What accident? I have been working with him and seeing Mr. Yigit every day for more than 8 months and he has never been absent due to an accident nor has he ever needed to use a cane.

My blood freezes in my veins, I can't believe what this woman is telling me.
I shake my head and walk back to the door, the lady asks me if I still want to meet Mr. Yigit, I answer absentmindedly that I will come back, I turn on my heel and leave the building.

I'm out of breath, I can't process what I've just learned, as if in a trance I raise my hand to call a cab which is passing by at that moment, I don't even realize the terrible traffic in which we remain bottled up for I don't know how long, I arrive at the estate when it's dark.
I pay the fare and get out, I don't want to see anyone right now, I'm confused and need to understand and metabolize what I learned today.
I head straight for the place that calms me the most, I go straight to my dock, I walk along it slowly without being able to see, my eyes are blinded by tears.
I feel annihilated, I have done a terrible wrong to Can, I blamed him for everything, I didn't believe him, because of me he left, I defended that man by blaming him.
At this point I am more than sure that it was Yigit who burned the diary, his accusation was all a lie like the one about the injury.
Huma supported him in this act to separate me from Can, his mother preferred to see her son leave as long as he was not with me.
I'm devastated, I don't realize where I'm walking until suddenly my foot is partly over the edge of the pier and I find myself in the icy water of the Bosphorus.
My breath freezes in the impact, the weight of my clothes takes me down, my lungs burn but they don't hurt any more than the blades I feel stuck in my heart at the thought that I lost the man of my life because of my stupidity, my naivety.

I have lost you my love...where are you now?
I've lost you forever.... I feel myself going lower and lower, I'm lost, I'm desperate, it's all my fault, the silence of the sea surrounds me... maybe in this way I can find peace...
I would like to see him just one last time like in the dreams that have rocked me these months...it was so nice to feel him hold me in his arms, to feel his caress in my hair.
He was everything to me and now he's gone.... because of me... it's all my fault.... I'm letting myself go.... I'm going lower and lower...

By the time I feel myself losing consciousness and begin to think it's over I feel a firm grip take my hand, I feel myself being pulled hard.

Am I dreaming?