Comeback

10 - A bitter revelation

Can

I remain motionless, hiding around the corner of the block of flats, I can't move and I can hardly formulate a coherent reasoning.
Only one thought manages to emerge in that confusion of emotions.

My Sanem is gone.

I'm distraught by the scene I'm witnessing, Medvike accompanies a stiff Sanem in her movements and absent in her expression towards a bench, helps her to sit down, talks to her uninterruptedly smiling without her giving any sign of seeing or hearing her.

I can not believe what I'm witnessing, my Sanem always energetic, full of life, joy, cheerful, carefree and cheerful in a contagious way where 'over? The bitter answer comes instinctively.

I killed her.

I bring my hands to cover my eyes in disbelief, I would have never, ever imagined in life to reduce the woman I love in those conditions.
How could I do that to her?

Now I understand why everyone is so angry with me, I am the first one now that I have seen with my own eyes what I have caused to the love of my life.

My hands shake, my impulse tells me to leave, to take time to think, but my heart, though gripped in a vice of pain, doesn't want to leave her, doesn't want to get away from her.

The sense of guilt and anguish devour me, I stay there watching that heartbreaking scene for a time that seems endless until I see a nurse arrive, she smiles at Mevkibe, caresses the hair of an unaware Sanem and takes her arm and then, together with her mother, takes her back to the building from which she came out.

I remain motionless, I lean my back and my head against the wall trying to find a regular breath, it's a very difficult task.

My heart doesn't stop racing and the trembling doesn't stop. I see Mevkibe and her purple coat pass me by without seeing me and disappear towards the exit.

I don't need to follow her anymore, she got me where I wanted to go, but now what?

I move from the wall and go to the bench that just before was occupied by Sanem, I stand there, my elbows resting on my knees and my head abandoned in my arms, defeated.

Anguish is taking over, I can't forgive myself for what I did to her.

The sun has now set and I realize that I can't stay there forever, I move towards the exit, to my left are the barriers of a construction site, they are restoring a nearby pavilion.
As I am passing I see a man handing a paper to another and unwillingly I hear them talking.

- Go and post this notice at the entrance, maybe someone is interested in a mason job, we are in dire need of more workers or we will not be able to meet the contract deadline -

I freeze in my tracks, I feel like I just got a sign, it can't be a coincidence, I turn around and ask the gentleman who was talking about the job for information.
He tells me that they are part of a company from outside Istanbul, they are looking for staff who already know the job, the pay is good and room and board is included.
The hospital in fact has a guest house that can accommodate the workers of the construction site.

I can't believe my luck, I could spend the whole day and night here without attracting attention.
In my wanderings around the world, I've followed several humanitarian missions as a photographer and, not infrequently, I've helped build buildings to house refugees, so I have some familiarity with the work and I certainly don't lack strength and will, I'd do anything to stay close to my Sanem.

I make arrangements with what I discover to be the head master to come back the next morning to start immediately.

I leave the hospital to go home and pack a minimum of luggage, I feel overwhelmed by what I found out that afternoon, but the fact that I found a way to stay close to her consoles me greatly.

Once I'm here I'll have to figure something out to get to her, I'll do whatever it takes to get there.