Fortuitous || Jack Steele [1]

four

Steeley's POV.

It hurt. It really did.

When Taylah said those words that she wanted to go back home to Canberra I just knew our relationship wouldn't work. How could it?

She missed her family, which of course I understood. I could never encourage her not to go back. I didn't control her and all I've ever wanted is for her to be happy. If that meant letting her go, as much as it pained me, I was going to do it.

This happened 6 months ago and I still don't know what to do. Taylah is long gone, living her own life back in my hometown.

I'm at a crossroads with no clue on which direction to take. I can't go back the way I came because the past doesn't belong to the present, the present can only shape the future. At least my AFL career gives me direction but does not necessarily give me guidance in regards to my personal life.

How could it be expected that I get over a girl I've been with for 5 years? How is it meant to be that easy yet so hard to just get her face out of my head? It's been months and I still can't get over her. Why?

When did it all get so lopsided? When did my personal life get so jumbled? My troubles haven't been reflected in my on field performances, which I'm glad for, but when my mind drifts to her absence there's just bleakness. There's plain colour with no meaning. When will the open wounds she inflicted upon me heal? For when will the shard in my gut, and its sharp edges, finally dull to the point where is doesn't hurt anymore? When?

When I lost her I felt like I lost part of myself. Taylah was a huge part of my life, especially when she moved down to Melbourne in support of my AFL career. It all got too much for her in the end.

The recognition of my skill and talent got bigger but so did the amount of media lurking in the shadows. The expectations rose and the pressure built. Taylah could feel all of that and it just came to a point where it was best she head home to remove herself from my rising name. It was factors of her own personal reality and my own increasing stardom in the AFL world that made her leave.

It happened. She left. Now it was time to move on. But how?

Footy is a good driving force that keeps my mind off her gaping absence. It works wonders on keeping my head set straight and concentrated on the task at hand, but it's only a temporary solution. As soon as I leave the club I'm welcomed to an empty house. Not that it's a good thing.

At the time I believed solitude would suit me good but no such pleasure ever came to be. I soon realised that it isn't the best to be alone with your thoughts. But yet here I am, still living in a house with no company. Options are aplenty to move in with one of my teammates but I've just never asked. Maybe it's because I hope I'll move on soon although who's to say if I ever will.

It's questionable if I'll ever find someone like Taylah or just someone in general again. I mean who would want an introverted, at least when we first meet, foodie of an AFL player? Who would be willing to endure the spotlight of such a title? Is there anyone who is outgoing yet has that right touch of kindness and a hint of shyness? I highly doubt it.

I sit at the kitchen bench, scraping at the food on my plate, the TV volume low and barely audible in the background.

It'll just be one of those days, I know that much. My spacious house feeds me nothing but emptiness and it just brings down my already foul mood. I've got a harsh session of training today which I hope will help the day go a little easier.