Fortuitous || Jack Steele [1]

forty four

My heart stops beating in my chest.

My veins fill with ice. I freeze on the spot, no muscles moving but my mind left reeling. I'm paralysed.

I can't seem to think straight. I can't do anything right now. It's like a spell has been casted but I'm just the puppet under the control of the castor's strings. I hold no power.

My head is hazy but one thing is clear to me in this moment.

Jack Steele is kissing me.

And I'm not kissing back... I can't.

The hesitation holds me back, the hidden and fearful side trying to ruin the moment that deep down I had always wanted. I had always wanted to share a moment like this with someone special. Yet why do I feel like I have to pull away when I don't want to?

The fear is rising like a volcano and a looming eruption. It's uncontrollable and is followed by utter disaster. The eruption signifies the calamity whilst the lava spewing over the sides signifies the tears that threaten to fall.

I'm angry at myself. I'm angry that I want this so bad but I let myself down. I blow these opportunities. It's going to be my fault... it's going to be my fault that this won't happen... the guilt is already surging.

It feels like this is going to fall to pieces, to crumble away like my already withering composure. To break apart like the floodgates opening.

This can't be happening. It can't...

One of Jack's hands slowly runs down my arm which hangs slack by my side, grazing against my skin with his palm. He grasps my hand in his own, locking the connection and squeezing it lightly with support. His touch is delicate, warm and patient. His lips remain pressing against mine softly but gentle encouragement is laced within the action. It's not urgent, it's not pressing. He's offering me a push so I don't avoid the obvious pull I feel for him.

Jack brings my palm to his own cheek and places it there. His skin is so smooth against the pads of my fingers. The roughness of slight stubble, which trails down under his deeply defined and chiselled jaw right to his chin, tickles my own palm, having refused to be removed by the blade of a razor. He rubs the back of my hand with his thumb soothingly, small and calming circles traced into my skin, leaving a tingling sensation.

My mind is lost, abandoned, when he then rests his cool hand on my flaming red cheek, as if the heat is trying to thaw the tears that are iced onto the exterior of my eyes.

His other hand holds my head just behind the ear with meaning. It's truly beautiful. It's too beautiful and it's overwhelming... in a good way.

A crack in the hesitation appears.

The fear fades.

A smile forms.

I kiss back.

The angst, the guilt, the fear all drop away, clearing from my system. Like the moments of overthought as the rollercoaster rests on the highest arc of the ride, only for the drop to occur and all those scared thoughts vanish away with the wind rushing past your ears. How right now those afraid thoughts have disappeared from my head.

I press into his lips with a gentle passion that matches his own. I feel him smile against me which causes all the previous regret to drain from within. All that regret being redirected elsewhere. Cause now I have nothing to regret, not whilst I'm kissing Jack Steele back.

In this moment I've never felt so strong yet so weak at the same time. I've never felt so vulnerable yet so powerful ever in my life. His affection brings me a strength—a lightness that could combat and fight against the forces of any darkness.