My Diary

Monday, March 3, 2025

CW: Suggestive/Sexual

It's 12:50 a.m., and the anxiety and regret are starting to settle again. FUCK! I'm such an idiot.

See, my friend, whom I'm calling Sil, basically confessed to me 2 days (3 days as of writing this), and I misunderstood it SO BAD.

When I said, "I fell in love with you," I meant it in a platonic way. They didn't, unfortunately.

This happens too often, I don't know if it's me or what.

That same day, I lost my first kiss to them. AAAAAAAAAH! I was so shocked! I mean, I didn't mind it. I was okay with it, actually. They felt remorseful, but I assured them it was fine.

The day after this whole situation, we had a sleepover. It was normal. We ate out, and we window shopped. It was fun.

As soon as we arrived at my house, things started to escalate. We kissed again later at night and ended up fully making out.

This is all extremely new to me and for them, too. I was nervous, but I let it happen. While we were doing this, they kept squirming around. I already knew what was happening down there...

It's not the first time they got excited like this.

Not that long ago, they ended up giving me a hickey. After they did it, I looked down, and well, they were definitely enjoying it.

But that night... I did something that I wish I could take back. The kissing was already crossing the line, but this... Oh gosh...

They were warning me not to be surprised if they were hard since we were doing something like this. They began joking on how I should help out or whatever.

I don't know what was going through my head, but I said that I would.

I saw the shock and their face and asked if I was serious. I should've just backed out. I said I was serious.

They started pulling their pants down, and I felt myself trembling. I wanted to back out, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

That has been in my hands, mouth, and thighs. I have never done something of this degree in my life. I felt embarrassed, kinda humiliated, and ashamed.

It was a relief when they finished. In my mind, I was like, "It's over, I don't need to do this ever again."

It's weird, y'know. Every time we do something that crosses the line, what I consider "friends" I just stay there limp, no expression at all. Just indifference. Like, I don't mind doing it. I just rather not. I don't know.

Yesterday, I did it again. They were standing while I was on my knees.

When I did all these things, I was fine with it. I let this happen. I did the action. I agreed to all this. So, why do I feel so gross? I feel guilt and regret. I wanna go back.

This is the exact thing I wanted to avoid doing with someone. I didn't want to reciprocate feelings that were not there.

I can't do anything about it now. At least they're nice to me. I can trust them. I really do love them. Maybe it isn't so bad.