Uproar /PJM FF

Chapter 47

You had just finished work and were walking towards the main gate, with your phone in your hand and your mind travelling to all the events that had occurred today.

This morning that you woke up and walked out the door, you definitely hadn't guessed this day to turn out such a mess but maybe you should be thankful that it didn't continue all the way in the same intensity, since once Taehyung dropped you over, despite the hour being way passed your break time, Namjoon had said nothing to you nor had appeared around often.

Most likely you assumed that he could be embarrassed by the misunderstanding he caused with Elle and his brother. A misunderstanding that wasn't exactly that but he didn't need to know.

Truth was that despite having agreed to all these things Jin was thinking of, you were still reluctant about this mostly because it didn't seem like your place to help. However, Elle's feelings were something you couldn't ignore because they were transmitted to you.

She made you think how would it feel to be forgotten like that. What kind of taste would that pain have, of having a person you love being erased from your life in a day. It scared you as an occurrence because it was proof that nothing is absolute in life and even the things we take for granted and never even consider the possibility of them changing, it can be taken from us in a moment.

Such thoughts had been running in your mind since you had gotten back on your desk, or better to say, her desk. It sure felt like it belonged to her despite the fact that she was just a worker. There were times she seemed like she owned the place when she walked around and despite Elle's absence today, everything still had something of her around. It made you wonder if Namjoon felt the same. If he too was suffering for her despite him not being aware of it.

You would have liked the idea that he was, even though so far you were aware that he was an insomniac by choice and has amnesia. However, the way Elle spoke about their relationship and Jin claimed of him as someone who wouldn't play with someone's feelings like that, then he must have loved her too and maybe the absence of her in his memories was what was really making him suffer. Or that may be just you trying to romanticize the situation and find something under his harsh and unfair behaviour towards her.

It just felt reassuring to believe that love doesn't die so easily. That someone's feelings can't get erased just because their memories did. It sure was a sweet and most likely an unrealistic thought that you wanted to hold on to.

Love was never an easy subject for you, but whoever you had loved, you had never stopped loving them. No matter if they were with you now or not. No matter how a circle had gone down, you had never managed to make someone you loved, a stranger again.

When Helena died, for example, many used to tell you to forget about her existence and move on with your life. She was far away from you physically anyways so her absence wasn't supposed to be reflected in your everyday life. And you had tried to listen to their advice however every time you tried to erase her you felt guilty, for she hadn't done anything to deserve that. Just because your friendship at the end became a hurtful memory, that didn't mean that she of the past, ever hurt you intentionally.

It had taken you some time to not blame her for missing, despite the fact that her death was accidental. You were aware that she wanted to die way before you ever tried it and it annoyed you initially, the fact that she could possibly be happy that she is gone. Happy that she isn't around anymore. It felt like treason. It felt like abandonment and your egoism had you in its claws for a long time, till you accepted that your emotions came from you and how you handle them, ends up making you who you are.

You were never perfect not you considered yourself to be good or a better human than anyone, however opening up about those conflicted thoughts was something you still hasn't managed to do with anyone. Not even Sira.