Nevermind

Chapter 21: Everything Down the Drain

Today at the office there was a complimentary buffet to celebrate having signed a contract with an important client after months of negotiations. Knowing this, you decided not to take your own food.

⚠️You'd been eating the portion Jimin brought you every weekend divided between the days of the week, but figured it would be nice to have something different.

Since he always shared with you, you had been adding more variety to your choices. You were confident you'd be able to handle it as long as you didn't eat anything too complex you couldn't estimate the calories of.

It was hard to decide what you wanted when you were faced with all the options on the table. There were things you hadn't eaten in years. Maybe you could grab a bit of everything you wanted, take a bite of each.

You debated for a long while and mentally encouraged yourself, I can do it, I'm in control.

You'd think that trying to stay away from food would mean you hated it, but that was not true. It was in your mind constantly, your diet was so restricted you daydreamed about everything you could have but didn't.

Walking back with your plastic plate, you sat at your desk and went back to working on your computer with your food to one side. That was your first mistake, never eat while being busy in front of a screen, you lose track of how much you put in your mouth.

Diligently taking a single bite from everything, you felt proud of yourself for managing to do just what you wanted. You glanced over at the plate and bit on your lip, one more bite wouldn't hurt, right?

Carefully grabbing what you had liked the most, you took a small bite and put the rest back hurriedly as if what you were doing was wrong. Then you took another small bite from a different canapé and another and another.

When you turned to your plate you realized it was almost empty, really the only food left was what you hadn't really liked and thought wasn't worth eating more of. Your heart started racing and your stomach turned at the sight.

Did you really believe you could do it? You're so ingenuous, you don't have the willpower for that.

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Let others eat, you don't deserve to.

Why did you even take a plate? You shouldn't have even looked at the table.

You should probably skip food altogether for the next few days to make up for this.

This couldn't happen at work, you were panicking as your anxiety skyrocketed in seconds. It didn't take long for you to taste the acid coming back up your throat. No, no, no, you screamed in your head.

Control? More like loss of it. That false sense of being able to manage your food intake was a lie you wouldn't admit to yourself. The moment you gave in to your habits is the moment you gave up control to the twisted voice in your head.

You couldn't stop this, once you started it became addictive, you had no choice but to follow through every time you had food. Some days you'd stick to eating less, but this didn't mean you were handling it well.

It only provided a false sense of security that hid the fact that you couldn't help but feel like you needed to starve yourself. If you didn't everything would go downhill. The dark thoughts kept you in line, it was not you anymore.

If you didn't go to the restroom as soon as possible, you were sure you were going to throw up right there so you finally got up and nearly ran to the door at the other side of the office. What was more embarrassing? People looking at you when you did that or being sick in the paper bin at your desk?