Nevermind

Chapter 23: The Other Side of the Mirror

You woke up the next morning and sighed deeply. As you laid in bed, you looked up at the ceiling going over the previous evening. Your stomach didn't hurt anymore, the feeling of having that much food made you uncomfortable, but it was gone.

Getting up, you walked to your bathroom and looked at yourself in the mirror. Hair messy, smudged make-up from not having taken it off because Jimin was with you...and your body. What would it feel like to love it? You never did.

Just a look at it and you were upset. You were overweight and you'd probably gain a lot more if you tried to eat more to at least not feel like you are dying. The day before had been really traumatic, but you couldn't just reset your mind overnight.

Being terrified your body was finally collapsing and giving up wasn't enough to fend off the ill side of your mind. If only it were that easy. Just eat, that's only wishful thinking from people who ignore the complexity behind not eating.

If people talked about you as things were, if you gained weight they'd surely judge even more harshly. What if you start eating and you get used to it? What if you start eating too much? What if you enjoy it too much and can't cut down on it?

Your clothes wouldn't fit anymore, you'd have to find newer, bigger ones. Tears welled up in your eyes as you thought about it, already despising your reflection in the mirror without making it worse. What if Jimin thought you were doing better and he stopped taking care of you?

The thought felt selfish, but you liked it when he checked in on you and reassured you. Would that slowly become less frequent if you tried to change anything? Was he staying with you because you were sick and alone? Would he walk away if you tried to get it together?

How would you be able to eat and not feel miserable for doing it? Restricting your food intake gave you a sense of security that you were doing something. That you weren't letting yourself go, that you dictated how your life went. How would you deal with the crippling anxiety?

You couldn't keep anything down for long if you overdid it, you couldn't change that, but you knew you would eat and just get sick afterwards no matter what. Last night wasn't the case, but to keep up with it? It was impossible.

Deep down you didn't want to be like this, you didn't want to feel ill more often than not, you didn't want to feel like you needed to sleep the entire day after working out. If you didn't feel cold all the time, it would be nice. Living a normal life sounded nice, but you couldn't have nice things.

It was terrifying to think of doing even the smallest thing. You were safe, comfortable in your discomfort. It's all you knew after all. You didn't want to die, but you also didn't want to live like this. Did you have a choice though? It certainly didn't feel like it.

Tears ran down your face and not being able to stand the sight, you grabbed the first thing you found and threw it at the mirror. It shattered, the sharp pieces flying as you raised your arms to cover your face.

Small cuts could now be seen on your arms all over the broken glass which was spread all around the sink and floor. It strangely felt liberating, that image wasn't as strong as you thought in a sense. Yes, it was a mirror, but it made you realize that it didn't have to be there.

As you swept the floor to pick up the pieces, your blood boiled. You were so angry, so upset at how unfair all of this was, but filled with adrenaline. Once you threw it all in a trash bag, you walked across the living room to the kitchen to throw them out.

You caught a glimpse of the mirror behind the main door as light bounced off it and calmly put down the bag and walked up to it resolutely. Flipping the broom as you got closer, you swung it like a bat and smashed your image once again.