Nevermind

Chapter 67: 'Cause I'm Sick and Tired

With the last two award shows in January, Jimin could not make it to Tokyo the next month, but he visited in February at last and spent a weekend with you. It wasn't much after not having seen you in months, but he was under a lot of stress being the eldest in charge.

You called your brother for his birthday that same month, worried he'd be all alone, but you were glad to hear he had plans with friends and even seemed to be dating someone. He sounded happy, much happier than he had in years.

While you were away, he kept living in your apartment and covered his half of the rent and groceries. He was still doing his best to offer more than that, keeping in mind you weren't living there for the time being, but it was not easy working part-time.

There was no problem at all with it, you were more than happy to support him as long as he focused on his studies and did what he was supposed to around the house. With his depressive episodes he had moments when he struggled a bit, but he did his best and that was enough for you.

Jimin checked in on him from time to time as a favor to you and he seemed to be doing just fine on his own. Nothing looked off, just a typical bachelor in their twenties apartment, but not a pigpen, your boyfriend had commented with a little laugh when you asked about it.

Despite his best efforts, Jimin was not able to fly out again until May. Hopefully this would be the last time and then you'd see each other in July when you finally came back to Seoul. Being apart was really difficult and he couldn't wait for it to be over once and for all.

Nothing was as reassuring as being next to each other, words could only offer so much comfort when what you truly needed from the other person was their company, a warm hug, a loving kiss to the top of your head, a hand to tightly hold yours.

Jimin had spent way too long trying to find the words to tell you, not ever being satisfied with what he ultimately was able to express. There was always that fear deep inside, that he wouldn't be clear enough about his feelings and you might grown apart.

He couldn't run to your apartment and stand outside until you let him in if that happened. He couldn't chase after you and insist you listen, when all you wanted from him is for him to hold you close and not let you go. He couldn't shut your mouth with a kiss when you beat yourself up or stroke your hair when you were falling apart.

Like the fighter you'd always been, you'd bravely moved abroad and focused all your energy on your career goals. Seeking to prove everyone that they should have given you your place much sooner and that they couldn't do without you now.

They had kept you in the company long enough for you to know they didn't want to lose you, but at this point they either had to promote you or promote you. There could be no room for a negative answer after all what you had gone through, everything they had put you through.

Stress got the best of you at times and you slipped under pressure, temporarily resorting to bad habits to feel a sort of sick comfort, but you pulled yourself back up each time. It was another thing you were determined to prove to yourself, you could do this.

You could stand on your own two feet. You could be healthy, you deserved it no matter what that looked like to anyone else.

You wanted to be able to go through a day without feeling like you were going to collapse, to go on day trips without running out of breath, to hang out with people without feeling threatened by food at one point or another.

When Jimin told you he was proud of you and he believed in you, you wanted to feel it too. You wanted it to be real and not a foolish dream of yours that you'd never achieve. The day you went back to your boyfriend, you wanted to show him there were reasons you were worth it.