Nevermind

Chapter 26: Cheering For You

Note: this chapter is heavy with disordered behaviors and self-hatred. If this is triggering to you, I beg you, skip the marked part.

That week seemed to be eternal, you dreaded leaving work to go back to your apartment with your mom.

You had found reasons to stay extra hours at the office, but most days you really had no work to justify being at your desk for longer than usual.

You hadn't messaged Jimin at all and he hadn't worried knowing you were probably making the most of your time with your mom. You didn't have a minute to breathe and have a proper conversation with him either.

⚠️Standing in front of the new mirror in your bathroom, you looked at yourself disgusted by your reflection.

Even if your mom's meals were healthy and what you'd truly eat on a diet, by the end of the week you had gained weight instead of losing it.

Your starved body had hung onto every calorie not knowing when it would have proper food again. Knowing how it worked for you, it was on survival mode.

You got on the scale for the umpteenth time that day, hoping the numbers had changed since you hadn't eaten anything since the day before.

No luck, as usual. You'd prepared a bubble bath to be able to sit on the tub without having to look at yourself.

Laying back with just your head out of the water, you went over the week. Just when you thought things would change, even if slightly, life had reminded you you were too deep into this.

You didn't deserve nice things, you couldn't have nice things. You might as well give up trying and just accept the reality of it all.

Instead of being happy to finally see Jimin the next day, you were dreading it. You felt ugly, you didn't want him to look at you.

Pretending everything was fine after seven days of hell was going to be hard with the self-loathing thoughts running through your mind being stronger than ever.

It's like it felt worse after your pathetic attempt at wanting something better for yourself. You were hopeless, you should accept it and stop fighting it once and for all.

Maybe you would get lucky and die early since your body was so beat up already and it was only going to get worse with time.

You put on the new pajamas your mom had bought for you. They were really uncomfortable, but they were flattering apparently.

It wasn't like you were even trying to feel good about yourself, you just didn't want to feel worse.

The way you looked didn't change the way you felt at all. You knew it suited you, that's what you had been told, so you stuck to it.

No one was going to see you wearing them, but it eased your anxiety no matter how illogical it was. No matter how ridiculous it felt to be overdressed to sleep.

It was now Saturday morning and you were trying to readjust to the hunger pains as you ignored your body's need for food. You'd only made it more difficult for yourself by trying to eat a little bit more.

You got out of bed after tossing and turning unable to go back to sleep and meticulously went over every inch of your body first thing as if it could have changed overnight.

The sight seemed to be more hideous with every day that passed. You were bloated and your skin was blotchy. Wrinkles. You were getting wrinkles, your mom said.

Running your hands through your face, you observed every detail. The faint lines next to your eyes made you want to cry.

That's it, I'm going to be forever alone, you thought. How could anyone find you remotely attractive? You laughed sarcastically, great joke.