Let's Not Fall In Love (SUAREZ SERIES III)

Chapter 48

Chapter 48

Buong gabi akong hindi nakatulog pagkatapos ng araw na iyon. Umaga na nang mapapikit ako pero dagli ring nagising sa aking alarm. And even with the lack of sleep, I couldn't get back to it.

Nagpatuloy iyon sa sumunod pang mga araw. Sa halip na asikasuhin ang paghahanap ng trabaho, nanatili ako sa bahay at namalagi lang sa kuwarto.

For the next two days, I couldn't sleep properly. Not even a blink. But then, the gnawing pain finally took its toll on me, so on the third day, I slept the whole day. Magigising lamang kapag gabi na naman.

Ni hindi ako makaramdam ng gutom. Ayoko ring harapin sina Mama at Loey dahil alam kong magtatanong lang sila kung bakit ko hinayaang kunin ni Toper ang anak namin. And I couldn't go into the details without killing myself with the pain.

It had been only four days since Kristen left the house, but it felt like four decades already. Tila may butas sa dibdib ko na hindi kayang punan ng kahit na ano.

I grew up planning and seeking revenge once I found my father. When I found him, I gave him what I believed to be the most painful punishment I could think of. I had already fulfilled my longtime goal and I was ready to fully prioritize my daughter. But just when I was about to do that, I lost my chance and I lost our daughter.

Ngayong ilang araw na siyang wala sa bahay, nawalan ng kulay at saysay ang mundo ko. Nawalan ako ng purpose at gana para umusad sa buhay.

I felt stuck. And I didn't even have the slightest desire to move forward. Not even plans to move around. Bawat sistema sa katawan ko ay nawalan ng ganang gawin ang kanya-kanyang trabaho. Kahit gising ay nasa kama lang ako at nakatunganga sa kawalan.

And even when the pain kept growing each day that Kristen wasn't here with me, I couldn't even cry. Kahit gustung-gusto ko nang maiyak sa sobrang sakit, walang luhang lumalabas.

Maglilimang araw na pero umaasa pa rin akong bigla na lang magpapakita sa labas si Toper. Kasama ang anak namin.

But I only hoped in vain.

There were no text messages, no chats, not even missed calls. I had been looking him up on Instagram in hopes of finding even a small hint of an update about our daughter... but there was none.

It seemed like he was determined to cut ties with me this time. Wala na siyang balak pang lumingon ulit sa akin.

Kung naunahan ko siya sa pagpapakilala sa anak namin, ganito rin kaya ang gagawin niya? Iba kaya ang nangyayari ngayon? O ilalayo pa rin niya si Kristen?

Magli-limang na araw siguro nang hindi na makatiis si Mama sa pananahimik ko. Sa muling pagtanggi kong sumabay sa kanya sa pagkain, she snapped, and all hell broke loose.

Fuming mad in her wheelchair, she shut her bedroom door so hard that it resonated through my head after telling me things as harsh as she could.

"Kung gusto mong bumalik sa iyo ang anak mo, fix yourself, Deb! Hindi 'yong ganitong hinahayaan mong manuyo ka na parang halaman. Stop the self-pity and don't let the guilt take over you. Stop telling yourself that you deserve this! You are Kristen's mother! Huwag mong basta-bastang isuko ang karapatan mo bilang ina niya! Huwag mong sukuan ang anak mo. Fix yourself first, freshen up, and then face her. Show her that you deserve her!"

Napapikit ako at hinayaang atakehin ng mga salita niya ang utak ko. Maya-maya lang ay narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto ng bahay. Kasabay niyon ang malalim na pagbuntong hininga ng kung sino.