𝐔 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 (𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐈 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝) - 𝐀 𝐣𝐱𝐝𝐧 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐜

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒𝟐

Jaden's POV
It's been a month since Haylee passed and it's been extremely tough on everyone still. Even though I would never try to compare my feelings to anyone else's, I do believe that this is affecting me, Chase, and Ally the most. 

A week ago I found a song that she wrote titled 'Read This Song When I'm Gone' besides the song, there was a music player that had the song on it and she was singing it.

It read (while I listened):
I'm writing you this message just so I can say that I love you
I had to let you know that everything about me was you, yeah
I think it's time for me to leave, but I'll never leave you
I just looked at your pictures, so the last thing I did was see you
I'm 22, my anxiety's eating me alive
I'm fightin' with myself and my sobriety every night
And last time I couldn't barely open up my eyes, I apologize
I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright, it's alright
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright
I wrote you this song to keep when I'm gone
If you ever feel alone
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright
I hope you get to go to all the places that I showed you
When I was on the road and couldn't be home to hold you
Part of me doesn't want this cruel world to know you
So just try and keep in mind everything that I told you
I'm 22, and society's eating me alive
I'm fighting what comes with this notoriety every night
This is the last time I'll ever open up my eyes, I apologize
I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright, it's alright
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright
I wrote you this song to keep when I'm gone
If you ever feel alone
You're gonna cry and, baby, that's alright, it's alright
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, yeah
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you
I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, yeah
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you
I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, yeah
And I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you

It hurt me just to hear her voice again. I got out of my room with my hood on, red eyes, pale as fuck, and headed up to Jarad's room and I knocked on his door.

"Who is it?"

"Jaden..."

"Man, you're welcome in here whenever. Just text me before you head in" he said after opening the door.

"Alright"

"How are you doing?"

"Jarad, I need to talk to someone about it again..."

"I'm here, just let me turn off my game" he said as he did so while I went to sit on his couch in his room.

"Dude, I'm fucked up. I swear to god, I'm sorry I come in here and rant till my fucking head falls off" I said as he sat down in his chair.

"I swear Jaden, it's alright. I don't get it but I'm not gonna judge you for it man"

"She would've wanted me to be a hell of a lot better to myself right about now but I can't, I'm not in the right state of mind"

"I know you weren't eating for a while, when was the last time you ate?"

"Gum? Or like?"

"Jaden, you being serious or are you fucking with me?"

"Jarad, I haven't had an actual amount of food since the day she died"

"Jaden, she would've wanted you to eat"

"Jarad I know, trust me. It's difficult though"

"You really gotta work on eating again bro even if it's just a fucking McDonalds fry, how's your sleep going?"

"Very little to none each night, too hard to deal with seeing her face every goddamn time I close my fucking eyes" tears started falling from my eyes.

"She really did light everyone up here, I remember before she came along you were in a really horrible state of mind. Now that she's gone everyone's light sorta died out. It might sound fucking stupid but you know" Jarad stated, which it was true.

"I get what you mean, it's just hard to accept it. I loved her so much, it hits me how hard I did after the fact. Honestly, my head was so high in the clouds with her, I forgot what fucking reality was"

"Yeah, I understand that"

"God life went so fast for her, she deserved way more"

"She did, and I wish she stuck around for a whole lot longer. I'm not sure what led her to be in that state of mind but there was obviously something that I'm not gonna invalidate"

"I respect that, I know the reasoning but I'm not sure why that led her to do what she did. I mean, most of the time she was an optimist and I swear that led me to see life from another perspective through her eyes"

"She was, I know every single time you talked about her to me you seemed genuinely happy about being with her"

"I would waste the time saying it's my fault but not all of it is. I mean, maybe a part of it is but if I stay in that state of mind of wanting to blow my brains just to see her again I'm gonna regret it. I don't wanna because it might make me feel good in the moment if it's just gonna hurt you guys in the long run"

"I can't tell you what or what not to do but I'd rather you not off yourself, I wasn't that close to Haylee but seeing myself and how affected I was by her passing I couldn't imagine how hard it'd be without you dude"

"I understand that, that's why I don't wanna do it. I know it'd damage you the most. That's why for the next couple months I'm just gonna stay with staring at the ceiling in the dark and blasting music in my ears, cuz it's the only thing keeping me sustainable right now"

"How are you planning on getting yourself in the right state of mind?"

"Not sure, after the funeral next week, might take a six-month break from music if it's alright with our manager and grab some professional therapy, or something to get myself back on my feet"

"Sure he'll be fine with it"

"Hopefully"

"If there's anything else you need, I'm here for you. Hope you know that"

"I appreciate it, thanks, dude. Probably gonna head back to my room now. Thanks for letting me talk to you again"

"No problem" he said before I went back to my room.