PSYCHE-KSJ•JHS✔️

|54|

|HOSEOK|

Staring at myself in the mirror, I realize just how bad I've let myself get. My hair feels crazy long and I haven't shaved in two weeks. I haven't had the time, the patience. What would I be shaving for? To look good? For who?

Jania never really cared if I shaved or not. She just likes the smooth feeling. The stubble phase irritates her skin. It makes her itchy and uncomfortable. So with that being said,

I pull out the razor and shaving cream and get to work.

When I'm finished, it's about three o'clock in the afternoon. I take a shower and get dressed before leaving by my house... for the first time in a while that didn't involve going to my mom's for work.

It's a nice day out, it's started to cool off outside. Going from hot as all hell to lukewarm is okay in my book. I can still wear shorts but start the transition to sweatpants.

For the last week and a half, it's what I've been wearing anyway. Sweats and long sleeved shirts. I want to sweat when I work out or it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything. I push myself until I'm tired, I push myself until I'm weak.

And sometimes that still doesn't feel like enough. I walk past the nursery every day and stare at it. The scent of the pink octopus haunts me. It smells so much like her. I've been sleeping with it in the nursery... in the cushioned rocking chair.

I feel like I've been on autopilot. I've just been doing things without having to think about it. I've been cleaning every day and rearranging my apartment. But forgetting where I placed things because I don't remember in the first place.

My parents, Namjoon and Yuki have been texting me to check in once or twice a day. It's getting annoying. I'm fine. And I keep telling them that I'm fine. They don't believe me so apparently I have to show my face to prove it. They have nothing to do today so I've decided to go over to get it over with.

It's whatever... I guess. I haven't seen Minjoon in a while. I've been avoiding him to an extent. I don't know how it will be when I see him. I don't how he'll react. He's a baby but I've been neglectful of my godfather duties.

He's one that I can't lose. I won't.

I pull into Yuki and Namjoon's driveway and park my car. I stare at the garage door and blink a few times. I zoned out the entire drive... couldn't even tell you what route I took to get here.

Sighing heavily, I get out of the car and walk to the front door. It opens as I put my fist up to knock.

"Yeah, I know. I'll see you guys, later."

My heart hammers in my chest as Jania holds the door open. She's looking back smiling at Yuki holding Minjoon.

Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, middle part. Her favorite style because it's simple and quick. She's wearing the OG black game royal 1s, black leggings and a white long sleeved sweatshirt.

My eyes drop to her stomach. My eyebrows furrow upon seeing her bump still there. It's been a month. It should have started to go down by now at least a little.

Namjoon sees me and his eyes widen. Yuki's eyes shift to me as Jania turns around.

Her smile drops the second that we make eye contact. I open my mouth and she walks around me, looking away and not saying anything.

It hurts. This shit hurts so bad.

"Jania.."

She doesn't respond nor does she stop walking as she goes to her car. I didn't even see it there when I pulled in. I wasn't paying attention.