PSYCHE-KSJ•JHS✔️

|80|

|JANIA|

Stretching my arms across the mattress, I feel a cool space where Hoseok sleeps. I open my eyes and confirm that his spot is empty.

Sitting up in bed, my back hurts a little but not as much as it did five weeks ago when Mina was still kicking me.

Five weeks. My daughter is a month old already. That doesn't even sound right to say. I don't like it.

I get out of the bed and walk into the hallway, rubbing my tired eyes and yawning. I go to the bathroom feeling gross with the amount of heat between my legs. It's a lot less than it was when I first came home but still enough to make me uncomfortable. Like day two of my period.

Instead of wearing pads throughout the healing process, I've decided to just wear adult diapers. No leaks, no sticky pain and they're comfortable. It was actually a suggestion of both Yuki's and Hoseok's mom.

I only needed one stitch for repair so I'm grateful for that. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself in terms of recovery. I'll work at it day by day. I spent nine months going through all of these changes creating a baby. I can't expect my body to make a full physical recover in less time than that. And nobody will make me feel bad for it either.

I wish somebody might say something to me. Did you spend nine months carrying a baby? No? Oh okay then. Shut up and mind your business. I literally created a life. At this point, everybody can watch how they speak to me.

I finish up in the bathroom and wash my hands before heading to the nursery. Lo and behold, there Hoseok is singing a quiet lullaby to Mina as he sways around the room feeding her a bottle.

He sees me in the doorway and looks over. "You're up. Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

I shake my head and walk into the room. "No. I had to pee. But I felt you weren't in bed so... figured you'd be in here."

He stops moving so I can see Mina as he feeds her. Her eyes are closed and her tiny hand is wrapped around his pinky. Her lashes are long and thick, dark in color. She's not swollen anymore so the shape of her face is more obvious.
Her features are clearer.

"She was crying because she was hungry. I brought her in here so that I could get her back to sleep before putting her back in the bassinet."

"Why didn't you wake me?" I lean my head against his shoulder.

He looks down at me and blinks. "Wake you for what?"

"Her bassinet was on my side."

"You carried her for nine months, you need your rest and I'm fully capable of taking care of her. You don't have to do anything by yourself. I got it. Trust me, remember?"

His gaze on me is soft and filled with adoration.

"Mhm."

"Go back to bed, Jah. I'll be there in a minute. She's almost finished with her bottle."

"Okay."I walk back to the room and lay down, unable to sleep still.

Hoseok comes in with a sleeping Mina shortly after and lays her in the bassinet. He pulls it to his side and doesn't let me debate with him about it.

He lies in bed and turns to face me. He looks as tired as I feel but he's not expressing any of it at all.

"You okay?" He asks, pulling the blankets up on both of us. I nod as he scoots closer to me. The warmth of his body hits me and I close my eyes.

"You're not in any pain, are you?"

It seems like a dumb question considering all things but he means significant, out of place pain. Pain that isn't normal or doesn't feel right for having just pushed out a child.