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Chapter 21

Sawyer POV

I wait as FaceTime connects and I see Bree's face.

"Hey Sawyer!"

I sigh, "Hi."

"Not excited to see me?" She teases.

"Just want to skate today."

"Ah yes. Alex told me you love to skateboard. Why is that?"

I sigh, "My uh- my dad used to skateboard, it's how he met my mom."

"She skate too?" I shook my head. "She was walking to the beach and my dad was skating and not paying attention; ran into her and the rest is...uh history."

She laughs, "Sounds like a good story."

I hesitate, "Do you know how Alex and Serv met?"

She studies me, "You'd have to ask them for the full story, but they met at Cal."

I nod. "Okay."

"So, heard it's been a week, where do you want to start?"

"Well I got the shit kicked out me, then took the bus here without telling anyone."

"I'm still surprised you made it. You know that's unsafe? You can't read very well, kid"

"Alex and uh-Taylor told me...I know, just needed to be here."

"Why did you need to be there?"

I sigh, "I uh, I just, I just felt this feeling of needing to feel safe or protected? And I knew I'd get that if I was here."

"You needed to feel loved."

I stare at her, "What?"

"That feeling of protection or safety is love. You needed Serv or Alex because you know they love you and I think deep down, you love them too, kid."

"They haven't said it to me. You know. That they love me."

"They're scared. They know they won't replace your parents and they're afraid you'll push them away if they say it, they're waiting for you."

I nod, "Yeah, maybe. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I feel like I'm betraying my parents or that I'll stop having nightmares."

"You don't want to stop having nightmares?"

I shrug, "They scare me. I hate living that moment over and over, but at least I see my parents. I see them. In real life, they're nowhere. All I have are their headstones."

"Sawyer...they're everywhere kid. They're in your day to day. The way you have Alex cut your fruit, your mom is standing right there with her and going to the skate park with Serv watching you, your dad is right there next to him, watching you. Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. Okay?"

I feel my eyes welling up, "Yeah. Maybe."

"That took me awhile to understand and accept, but they're here kid, they never stopped being here. It's just different."

I nod.

"You're feeling okay? Your new meds are helping?"

I shrug. "I get these emotional outbursts, feel overwhelmed sometimes, out of control?"

"Okay, we'll keep an eye on it. You have to tell Alex or Serv if they get worse. Understand? It's really important Sawyer."

"Got it."

"I miss Alex and Charlie."

"That's okay to miss them. You're pretty attached to them. They miss you too. There's nothing wrong with missing them. But you can't lash out at others because you're upset about something you and they can't control. Did your outburst today change that Alex and Charlie are out of town?"