Confessions of a Bunny

Cameron "Sapphire" Lewis

"You'll never know how strong you are until you are alone!"

Do you remember the moment you entered this world? What was your first thought? Was it why is it so cold in here? Or who the hell are these weird looking people staring and making noises at you. Or was it deeper, like what is your purpose for being on this earth? I remember the day I entered this cold world; I don't know what I expected, but it definitely ain't what I got. When they gave me to my mother to do skin to skin, she rejected me like an old bologna sandwich. I wasn't what she wanted in life. A scared innocent baby wasn't what she wanted, but it's what she got and was stuck with and what she had to deal with. I spent most of my life being rejected, by one person or another. You'd think I'd be used to it right, knowing that no one loved me not even my own mother. I grew up thinking she was incapable of love, because she never showed it. Well, I take that back she showed love to the drugs and the many men that could get her the drugs. It was always something or rather someone. Charles, Timothy, Randall, Kevin, Russell, you name them she had them and every time one of them left it was always my fault.

"Cameron you're too needy!"

"Cameron, you drove away my man!"

"Cameron, you look just like your damn father!"

That one always got me though, I looked like a man I'd never seen before, and it was my fault. Everything was always my fault until it wasn't anymore. The day of my 16th birthday I just wanted to disappear, I'd learned long ago not to ask for shit from her because I knew she'd smoked up all the little money we did have and what was left she gave to her many men. So that day when I came home from school and she had a cake, balloons, and a present I didn't know what to think or do. In the back of my mind, I was thinking what did she do now and how will I have to deal with it.

"Happy birthday baby girl! What's this? It's your birthday I thought we'd celebrate it. Celebrate huh! Yeah, you're 16 today baby. And where did you get the money to buy this stuff, I said looking at the cake. Cameron please I am trying ok. Can we please just celebrate your birthday without the attitude? Fine we can celebrate I said sitting my stuff down and going over to where she was. You have a good day at school? It was marvelous, during school these girls decided to celebrate my birthday as well. Oh, they did how? By dumping milk on me and pushing me into a trash can. Cameron I...it's okay I am used to it mama, I said looking at the gift that was half wrapped on the table. What's this? I got you something It not much, but I think you'll like it. Go ahead and open it. I slowly opened the gift to expose a brown leather journal and a gold pen. I know you like to journal baby and I thought this would be better than those old composition books."

I looked at the journal for a few moments before getting up and giving her hug. It wasn't often that she bought me things but when she did, she made sure that they were meaningful.

"Thanks mom! No problem baby girl! You want some dinner I made food as well. You cooked! Yeah you didn't think I was going to let you starve on your birthday did you, she said smiling at me."

That day was probably the first day in my life where I actually felt like my mother loved me and cared about me. She cooked all my favorite food and we spent time together like did when I was little. Despite what I said in the beginning and how I feel now, my mother would try to be a good mother, but it was hard for her to cope with being a single mother and being sick. She wasn't sick like she had a cold or something. Her sickness was mental, I always wondered why some days she'd be ok and some days it was like she didn't even remember me or her own daughter or self for that matter. I was probably 10 years old when I learned officially what she was diagnosed with because I had to go to the store to get her medication and I heard the pharmacist talking to one of the techs about it. He said "why in the hell someone would send their child to pick up antipsychotic medication". They wouldn't give it to me so the pharmacy tech walked me back to the house just so he could see that I wasn't actually going to take it myself. Of course mama wasn't happy that I brought some stranger to the house and I heard and felt it for 3 days after that. One of the many beatings she'd given me in my life.