Confessions of a Bunny

Cassandra "Stormy" Rogers

"5...6....7...8 Ladies remember to watch your posture; prima ballerinas do not slouch!"

Prima ballerinas do not slouch I mumbled to myself as the music started. Ms. Toliver was the best ballet teacher in all of Arizona and I was truly lucky and blessed to be able to attend her ballet school for as long I have. I knew the day would come when dad would come home and tell me that we could no longer afford the attire, the classes or the trips back and forth to different events that I'd perform at. I wasn't ungrateful I knew my father was doing the best he could to give me a normal life after my mother died. And he is doing a damn good job at it too, but deep down I wanted more. I wanted more than this town, my circumstances, or watching my father drink himself to death because he lost the love of his life. I wanted to be free from it all.

"Cassandra watch your turnout you don't want to injure yourself. Yes Ms. Toliver!"

I loved Ballet but I was no longer in love with the thought of a being a ballet dancer. No, I wanted to be free. Free to express myself. Free to move in ways that many thought was provocative and mature for my age. Dance shouldn't box you in, it should let you freely express yourself. I wanted to dance like I saw the fly girls dance on In Living color or Janet Jackson danced in front of all of those people when she was on stage. I just wanted to Dance to get over my of losing my mother, of being in certain situations that I should have never been in as a child. I dance to try and forget the past, but deep down I know that it won't happen, I'll always have those memories of my mother even down to the last one where she took her last breath and told me that she loved me. I didn't even realize that I'd stopped dancing and was standing in the middle of the floor. Cassandra! Cassandra! I am sorry Ms. Toliver I said regaining my composure and continuing on with the movements. Practice went on for another 30 minutes before Ms. Toliver dismissed us to go for the evening.

Cassandra, can I speak with you for a moment. Yes ma'am I said nodding to her. Is everything ok with you today. You are normally more focused in rehearsals. I am fine. Are you sure. Positive. I've heard from a few students that you don't want to do Ballet anymore. Who would say that? You've been a student here for over 10 years and in those 10 years I've seen your talent increase tremendously. However, in the last year or so you don't have the same spark as you use to. Do you even still want to be a Prima Ballerina? Honestly, Ms. Toliver I don't know, ballet isn't the same for me. Since your mother died. Yes ma'am, this was our thing we bonded over and now that she's not here I just don't feel right doing it. Cassandra, you can't live in the shoes of your parents, trust me it never works out. If I did, I'd be at home in an apron cleaning the house waiting for my husband to get home. Your parents weren't supportive of you being a dancer? Oh heavens no, in their eyes I went to college to find a husband, not a passion or a career, she said smiling at me. If it's not in your heart anymore don't do it, you'll end up regretting all the time you spent doing something you didn't love. Thank you, Ms. Toliver, for the talk I gotta go I said hearing Sharon honking the horn. Anytime Cassandra. I grabbed my bag and headed out of the dance studio towards my stepmother's car.

As heartbroken as my father was, he wasn't dumb, and he knew he couldn't keep a house and raise children without a woman. He "took: the time to heal, while it may not have been properly, he did take some time and he met Sharon 2 years after my mom died. They dated for a while and then one day he comes home from Vegas and says they got married. He got married without his friends or family, just him and her. I couldn't believe it, how he just got married without even considering his family I didn't know, but hey what could I say I was just a child. You came out late is everything ok Cassandra? It's fine, Ms. Toliver just wanted to speak to me. What about? She wanted to tell me how good I was doing. Oh well that's good she said as we backed out the driveway. From what I knew Sharon wasn't a bad person. When she first started coming around, she was sympathetic to our situation, always asking if we were ok and going above and beyond to make sure that we taken care of. But once they were married and she moved into the house. She started to become different, the first thing she did is tell my dad to take down all the pictures of him and mom in the house. She didn't even want us kids to have pictures in our rooms. Our personal rooms! I drew the line at that, she may control the rest of the house, but this has been my room since I was 3 years old and there was no way she was going to come in here and telling me what to do in my own room, so I kept my pictures up and she's not allowed in my room. She tried to pull that passive aggressive shit, she's disrespecting me and I am the woman in this house now. Bullshit! You're the woman in the house of another woman with her husband and her kids she should be lucky my father even entertained her for as long as he did especially the way she did her own children, but that's a story for a different day. I'll just sum it up this way, her ex took her kids, and they live on the other side of the country, she only sees them during the summer.