Confessions of a Bunny

Tamara "Emerald" Lewis

You promised you'd always be there for me daddy! Why did you have to leave me like this mumbled as the tears streamed down my face. I can't take it anymore in all the foster homes and the continuous moving around I can't do it. I am thinking about leaving Louisiana and going to find Mama. I know you said that mama didn't love me but I wanna hear it for myself. I want a chance to get to know her and possibly have her love me too. Tamara! I sniffed and wiped the tears off my face before turning to see who was calling me. Ms. Bernice! Tamara is that you baby she said coming grabbing me. Hi Ms. Bernice, where have you been at, I haven't seen you since the da...Foster care! They couldn't find any relatives, so they put me in foster care. They couldn't find any relatives in 6 years. No ma'am. Have you eaten? No ma'am I said shaking my head. You come home with me, and I'll make you some good food. Ok can I just say goodbye first. You go ahead, I'll be over here she said motioning to the gravestone that was down from where I was standing at.

I waited a few moments before returning my gaze to the headstone. I'd been coming to his grave for the last 6 years. Every time I'd have an episode or act out, I'd always end up here. A few times the cops had found me sleeping on the grave site. I missed this man so much it hurt. He was all I ever knew from the time I could speak and walk until the day I came home and found him dead in his chair. I didn't know he was dead until a few hours later when I set off the smoke alarms trying to cook us dinner. I was 10, and didn't know anything about cooking, I just knew what I saw my father do. The smoke was so thick that they had to give me oxygen and once it was cleared, they found him sitting in his chair Johnny Walker still in his hand.

I love you daddy and I'll be back to see you before I leave, I said kneeling and kissing the headstone. I walked over to Ms. Bernice standing at a grave. Ms. Bernice! Hey baby she said giving me a slight smile. Who died I said looking at the tombstone? My daughter, from ovarian cancer. Ovarian I said not knowing what she meant. Yes, your ovaries can be cancerous as well. Oh I didn't kn... its ok baby she'd lived with it for a while and made her peace before she left out of this world. I nodded and stood with her while she paid her respects before we drove back to her house. I was hesitant to get out because she lived across the street from my old house. Has anyone move in the house yet? They've tried to sell it many times, but you know no one wants to buy a house that someone died in. All of our stuff was thrown away. The furniture and clothing went to the goodwill, what about the pictures I said looking at the house? I boxed them up and saved them. I was hoping that some family would come and get the stuff, but they never did. Do you still have the boxes? Yes, ma'am in my hall closet. I nodded looking at the house one last time before going in the house. It was so weird yet comfortable to actually be welcomed in someone's home.

Like I said before, the foster homes were never warm or homey, they were always cold, and the parents were horrible. My current foster family was white, with 3 other kids. They weren't expecting a black foster child and basically told me as much once I got there. They gave me a room that was almost as bad as sleeping in the basement and told me that I should leave the house by 8:30 and not come back till the sun went down. Also, I couldn't come in the front because heaven forbid their god-fearing friends and neighbors see their black foster child. I was just holding out till I turned 18 and could legally leave because I would age out the system. But I don't think I can deal with it too much longer. I'll get you the boxes and you can look through them while I cook dinner. Ok I said taking a seat on her couch. She came back a few minutes later with 2 medium size boxes that were labeled with my father's name. I got a pot roast going and I'll make some mashed potatoes, is that ok? Oh yes ma'am that sounds perfect. She smiled before going into the kitchen to finish dinner. I let out a deep breath before opening the first box and looking through the stuff. I didn't understand any of it, but I was looking for something that had my mother's name or address on it so I could find her. I looked through a few pieces of mail before landing on a picture. Of course, there were tons of pictures of me when I was little, but this picture wasn't of me, it was of someone else. I flipped it over and read the name Cameron. Cameron, I mumbled before finding another picture of my father, myself, and another little girl, I flipped over that picture, and it said Cameron and Tamara. Mmhm I mumbled to myself looking at more stuff in the box. I didn't realize how much debt, we were in there were stacks of bills and final notices. We were broke; and he never said anything or even let me know. I mean I didn't have the best shit, but I always had food and clothing.