One Cup of Sugar || Sasha x Niccolo

29 - Mute Button

AN: Giving you guys some happy stuff this chapter!!!

Also, I hope you guys are having a good day! <3

- J
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Sashas POV:

A week had gone by. Week one of five. It was exhausting, and I spent most of my time at Nic's house to try to make it feel like he wasn't gone. His house was the closest thing I could get to him right now, even though it didn't feel like his house at all. Everything was there. Every material possession that he had was there, but him not being there killed the ambiance completely. It was quiet, leaving me to make conversation with my own thoughts. Every step I made echoed through the house, every breath I took was audible, and my thoughts were louder than ever. I had to listen to myself now, which was something I never had to do here until he left.

That's why he was so comforting. He owned the mute button to my mind. He was able to silence every self-deprecating thought I had, even the ones that screamed so loud that I had to cover my ears, so I didn't potentially go deaf. I wasn't sure how he did. Maybe it was just him in general. Whatever it was, he took it with him when he left. And I wanted it back so badly right now. I wanted him to walk through the door and silence my brain. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me that my thoughts were just tricking me. I wanted reassurance that my anxiety was just being a reckless driver once again and that this wasn't me.

My own brain didn't listen to me, but she listened to him. I never understood why my brain listened to him when I told myself that my anxious thoughts were just that, thoughts. Did I not trust myself? Is that why my brain wouldn't listen to me? Or did my brain associate me with my anxiety and think we were the same? I knew I wasn't my anxiety, but I don't think my brain is truly convinced of that. Maybe I just don't trust myself. I've known myself for years, but maybe my brain never got to learn about me because she was preoccupied with my anxiety feeding her every anxious thought I owned. There was never time to sit back and learn about who I truly was because to my brain, all I did was worry about every small thing. I was never not anxious enough to find things that helped my brain learn about who I truly was. Every anxious thought triggered another, creating a domino effect of thoughts that have been falling for years.

There's no end. They were consuming every part of me. No matter how much I told myself that I was going to be okay, my brain didn't listen. My anxiety was louder than me, telling my brain all these made-up scenarios that could go wrong. She always listened to my anxiety. No matter how ridiculous it was, she always listened to her. The only one after that was Nic, and he wasn't here physically.

And as we stood, things were only okay.

Okay = not where I wanted them to be.

So... how did week one without him go? It was okay. Refer to definition.

The six-hour time difference was a pain in the ass. You don't realize how hard time differences are until you're waiting until midnight just to hear someone's voice for the first time that day. My day had to end before I even spoke to him. It didn't even feel like a part of my day anymore. It felt like some weird obligation I had to do to try to keep us afloat.

But that's okay, right?

It's a bump in the road.

We're being tested.

I want to keep going for him. There were only four more weeks left. Twenty-eight more days.

I was currently home, my home, lying with Connie and Jean on our couch. Since Nic was gone, I decided that it would be a good idea to spend some more time with them. I love them, they're my family, and I couldn't allow myself to distance myself from them. It wouldn't be right.