One Cup of Sugar || Sasha x Niccolo

45 - Philophobia

AN: Hi. <3
I missed you guys so much and I'm so sorry this chapter took forever to come out!!

Here's an extra long chapter just for you guys <3

- J
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Sashas POV:

And then we ended with a closed door.

He didn't turn back after that moment, and I physically felt a large ache in my chest as I heard the door shut behind him. I didn't know whether to run after him or let him be. I had caused him enough pain and frustration for a lifetime.

I shouldn't have gone, or I should've had the courage to say it even though I could see his frustration. I just wanted him to know that I love him, and probably always would. I knew we were over and that was my fault.

I shouldn't have led him on like that if I knew that I feared being loved, for whatever reason it may be.

Philophobia.

The fear of love.

I was scared to love him and scared to let him love me. When it was all innocent and fun, it was almost effortless despite my curiosity. However, he said it himself. I mostly enjoyed it because it was a chance to rebel against Connie and Jean.

He was my rebel that ended up being someone I grew to love so much, yet I couldn't ever reciprocate that to him.

And I regretted that day every day for an entire month. I regretted not telling him every single day, and still do regret it. Half of the time I'm by myself I try to build whatever courage I have left to text or call him to tell him that I love him and do want us.

He wasn't just some pawn to get back at Connie and Jean. He was my Nic.

There was no one else who knew how to care for me as he did. No one else knew how to read me the way he knew how to. No one else knew how to make me smile in any situation like he knew how to. No one else was worth it like he was. There was no other person whose touch felt natural and effortless as he did.

There was no one like him.

After about a week of staying in the hotel, I was losing money too rapidly to continue to afford to live there. I ended up moving back with my parents, however, I never spoke a word to them and was barely home enough to consider it somewhere where I was staying. I left early in the morning and didn't come back until I knew they'd be asleep.

I had maybe spoken one word to my parents every day, and even that one word was too much. I avoided them like the plagues they were. They didn't know what to say to me either and the house remained silent like a ghost town every time we were around each other. I didn't leave my room unless I had earbuds in at maximum volume, so they knew not to talk to me.

I barely spend time with anyone nowadays. I completely isolated myself unless I had work or class and often made-up excuses as to why I wasn't joining the group when they hung out. I couldn't bear to pretend to be happy and carefree when I felt like I took a thousand steps backward.

Talk about a new low in my life.

"Okay, class dismissed," Hange breaks me from my chain of thoughts, causing the shifting of many others around me.

Despite everything going on, life moves on. I still attended classes with the biggest smile on my face and went to work with no issues. I wasn't completely myself, and I wasn't going to try to pretend that I was perfect when I knew I wasn't.

They still knew nothing, of course, but I wanted to keep it that way.

The less they knew the better.