𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗸𝗶 𝗦𝗶𝘅𝘅 ~ 𝗢𝗻𝗲-𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘁 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 🤍

• 𝗦𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗦𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 🩷

•❤️•

Nikki's POV, 1988

I'm not a perfect person, I have never claimed to be and know I'm pretty fucked up, I'm not good with emotions and have never had good outlets for them, I just shut myself off and turn to substances like drugs and alcohol and always have done. It's easier than sitting down and talking to someone admitting aloud just how screwed up I am.

It wasn't my fault, I knew that, it wasn't my fault my mom was a selfish bitch and that my dad couldn't have given less of a shit about me if he tried. There was a time where I did blame myself but I've managed to stop because I never asked to be born, I never asked to exist. The faults of my parents wasn't on me.

However, I still had deep emotional issues to solve and overcome, which meant a hell of a lot of therapy and I'd started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago after getting out of rehab barely a couple of months back.

It had been hard to adjust to life without drugs, without shooting up every few hours, it was always a relief but at the same time I did miss the feeling it gave to me, it made me feel less lonely and I'd always struggled with being alone even if I'd never admit it to anyone.

I had people for support obviously but the other guys in the band had their own issues to deal with and none of us wanted to admit fault to each other and have some serious heart to hearts, we'd had a couple when in rehab but since. Nope, none of us would swallow our pride and do it.

Doc was worried one of us would relapse any day and he was sure that if anyone was to revert back this quickly to drugs it'd be me given my drug problem had been the most lethal out of the four of us and the most devastating on my mental and physical health.

He hasn't outright said anything but I saw it each time I saw him, he was constantly watching for any sign I'd gone off the rails again.

He was not so subtly begging for me to talk to the bands drug councillor Bob more often than I do but what else did he want from me? He's got me clean, into therapy and talking to Bob once a week and outside of that chat once a week was nothing more he could do anyway, unless he wanted to live with me which I wouldn't want.

Bob was paid by Doc to listen to our problems and coping mechanisms, he didn't truly care about us.

Sure, I struggled a lot and could probably do with someone to talk too on a more regular basis but no guy Doc hired would work, I think for me to feel comfortable talking more in-depth and regularly to someone, I need someone, a friend who wants to listen for more of a reason than it's what they're paid to do and opening up to men is harder for me to do because of the kinda men I grew up around.

Abusive assholes who would laugh at and exploit any weakness I showed which included talking about any problems and showing any emotion. Men just weren't understanding enough and I couldn't fully open up due to that but I felt ashamed to even admit that to anyone too, I hadn't told my therapist that, or Bob or Doc as they were all men too.

Although I needed a friend, they didn't just grow on trees, it takes time to forge friendships so I'd just have to continue navigating staying clean myself and make do with what's available to me right now.

I tended to keep myself inside as much as I could at the moment, not liking going outside in public, I just wasn't comfortable going into large crowds of people right now, in case I ran into someone that could ruin the progress I'd made.