The Sun & The Stars - Jegulus Oneshots

The Berlin Affair [Angst] (part3/3)

Thursday is Regulus' last evening in London. He goes back home Friday morning.

He cuts dinner with Sirius short and spends most of the evening and night with James on his couch, watching some nonsense reality show and sharing gentle kisses during the commercial breaks.

James finally falls asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped tightly around Regulus, as if he was afraid he might slip away to never be seen again if he doesn't hold on tight enough.

Regulus shuts off the telly and then wakes James up to his best abilities to guide him to bed. They switch positions so James lies half on him, resting his head on his shoulder. Regulus doesn't sleep all night. He just runs his hand steadily through his boyfriend's hair.

He knows he should stay. He wants to stay. But he also knows he will leave. How long can one person tolerate the conditions Regulus places on this relationship? He is afraid he will find out soon.

Friday morning, James wakes up and smiles up at him.

"Morning," he whispers, "Slept well?"

"Yes," he lies and kisses the top of his head.

James hums and cuddles up to him, a content smile on his face. Regulus still runs his fingers through his hair. It's always messy anyway.

"Jamie," Regulus whispers, "I need you to know something."

"Reggie, please, it's our last morning together. Can't we just ignore the elephant in the room for another hour?"

"No. No, because you'll have to get up and go to work and when you come home I won't be here anymore."

"Whatever you have to say, when you start in that tone, I don't want to hear it. It can't be good."

"Maybe it will be good one day."

"That sounds worse," James mumbles into his chest.

Regulus hesitates. He doesn't want to make James unhappy but he can't leave it the way it is.

"I love you, Jamie."

James makes a pained noise against his skin.

"I don't want to lose you but above all I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy. ... I need you to know that if..." he swallows heavily. He rehearsed the words all night, he didn't expect them to choke him now. James squeezes him in his arms. "If someone else can make you happier than me... if you want to leave me... you should do it. I will survive it."

"No one can make me happier than you..."

"Many people can make you happier than I do right now. You're unhappy. You're frustrated and your patience has run out. You've put my needs above your happiness for five years, and I can't even bring myself to take the leap and move back. I'm not ready and at this point... I can't promise I ever will be and it's unfair to you, I know that."

James takes a shaky breath and slowly kisses his shoulder. He scoots back and sits up to look straight at him.

"You already tried to do this five years ago, Regulus. I can only repeat myself: I'm a grown man. I can decide for myself which pains I can bear and which I can't. I decide what I tolerate and what I don't." He clasps Regulus' hand in his. "I choose you. Over and over, I chose you and I will always choose you. You are the love of my life. ... And if you're not ready to come back home, I accept it. If you need more time, I'll give it. If you're scared about what will happen when you come back, I will try anything to reassure you the universe does not work against you. ... If in a year you're still not ready, I will come to you."

"What?"

"I will move to Germany if that is what it takes to be with you. I won't lose you. I refuse to lose you."