Craving the Thorns (Monforte Series #1) (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 14

Marry

Pumikit ako ulit. I feel like all of this were just messing with my mind. Mula pa kanina, hindi ko maramdaman ang sarili ko. A lot has been happening but I can't process anything in my head. Kaya rin siguro nagawa kong makarating dito... dahil sobrang indenial ko pa rin hanggang ngayon.

My heart hurts in everything that has been happening. Magulo ang isipan ko at hindi ko na rin alam kung saan ako susunod. Kung sino ba dapat sundin at kung ano ba talaga ang pinakamahalaga para sa'kin.

My heart hurts that I need to fight for my love. My mind is all over the place because I'm stuck between holding on to my dignity and helping Simon. Marami naman kasi talagang trabaho. Marami akong pwedeng pasukan kahit hindi naman ako graduate. But hearing the news that Lola Ruse might not be able to recover fast... saan nga ba kami makakakuha ng one time big time na trabaho?

Noong nalaman ni Simon na ganito ang gagawin ko, halos tumigil ang mundo ko nang makitang natuwa pa siya. Natuwa siya na ganito kalaki ang makukuha ko. Natuwa siya na kahit wala siyang gawin... may pambayad kami sa hospital para kay Lola.

And it broke me. Pakiramdam ko, nahulog ang puso ko at nabasag. Hindi na pinakelaman at hinayaang basag.

I smiled bitterly at that memory. Hindi ko akalaing papayag si Simon na ganito ang gawin kong trabaho. I slightly had the hope... that he'll disagree to the idea. Dahil noon pa naman, sa kaniya lang naman ako naniniwala. Sa kaniya lang ako sumusunod. Minsan, kahit hindi ko naman gusto. And it hurt me that he nodded and decided that I need to do this. And here I am, obeying him again.

I do understand that his feelings were all over the place. I understand that he cares so much for his grandmother that he will sacrifice everything for her. But... how about me?

As I danced with the rhythm of an obscene music, I can't help but think about what my life could have been if I weren't in his territory. Na... kung mas naging matapang kaya ako at piniling sa DSWD na lang maglagi, ibang-iba siguro ang buhay ko.

It could have been a healthy relationship with Simon. A healthy relationship with myself. Baka siguro, alam ko kung ano talaga ang pangarap ko. Baka siguro, alam ko kung ano talaga ang gusto ko sa buhay ko. I won't rely on anyone. Even Simon.

Pero ngayong nandito na ako, pakiramdam ko... parang lalo lang siyang napapalayo sa'kin. And worse, I don't even know myself anymore.

May dignidad ako. May prinsipyo. Pero kahit ito, nakaya kong gawin para sa taong mahal ko.

Para lang manatili siya. Para lang akin siya sa huli.

Natigil ako sa pagsasayaw nang tumigil na rin ang tugtog. I licked my lips and open my eyes. Kahit na nakumpirma ko naman kanina, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na si Flame nga itong nasa harapan ko.

Nakakunot ang noo niya. Pinapanood niya ako habang tahimik ang lahat. But then, if I need to stay in character, I need to collect myself and don't be bothered of how he looks at me. I am not myself now. Hindi dapat ako magpadala dahil lang sa magkakakilala kaming dalawa.

Nakasuot siya ng long sleeves. The sleeves were folded but it's not tamed. Magulo iyon. Mukhang nagkakatuwaan nga silang magkakaibigan kanina. He's usually very formal but this time, he's not. Nanibago ako na ganito siya ngayon. A darker version of himself. Bukas ang unang tatlong butones ng kaniyang damit. His hair were disheveled that made him more... dangerous to me. Lalo na't ang mata niya ay madilim na nakatingin sa'kin.

His legs were wide open while holding the shot glass in his hands. Basa rin ang labi niya.

"Lapit ka," he ordered.