Craving the Thorns (Monforte Series #1) (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 22

Girlfriend

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi ko 'to ngayon. I can't believe that I'm thinking about it. Pero totoo nga siguro ang sinasabi ng iba. Na dadating ang panahon, mapapagod ka. 'Yong tipong hindi mo maintindihan, pero pagod ka na.

May mga panahong akala mo kaya mo lahat. You'll do everything for love. You'll do everything at the expense that he'll be happy. But when all of your sacrifices and efforts were not reciprocated, you'll suddenly have a change of heart.

Hindi man natin alam kung paano mapagod ang puso, pero napapagod ito. Walang eksaktong panahon. Walang eksaktong bigat at hirap. Pero kapag napagod, napakadali na lang na bumitaw.

And I really can't believe it. Na ngayon... kaya ko nang bumitaw.

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba nasa ibang lugar na ako ngayon. Ibang environment. Malayo sa lugar kung saan palagi kang may takot. Palaging mabigat. Palaging sumisiksik. Kaya siguro... para akong nagbabago.

Napakitaan lang ako ng mabuting pagtrato, parang ayaw ko nang umalis. Parang gusto ko na lang na maitrato ng mabuti habambuhay. Not because of selfish reasons, but because it is what I truly deserve.

At siguro nga, kagaya lang ng bawat kwarto, deserve nito ng pagbabago. For a fresh start. for a more relaxing feel. Dahil hindi naman tayo nagbabago ng disenyo araw-araw. Binabago lang kapag parang mabigat na, kapag kailangan na... para lalong ma-excite na mabuhay.

Kaya siguro maraming taong umaalis sa noo'y tinatawag nilang tahanan. Dahil kapag walang pagbabago, nakakasakal, nakakabagot at nakakawalang gana.

And I can't believe I'm saying this but... Simon is not my home anymore.

Matagal na siguro... pero ngayon ko lang napagtanto.

You can't call someone a home when all you do is cry, beg and sacrifice. Gusto mo siyang uwian pero hindi ka niya gustong umuwi. Gusto mo siyang makasama pero siya, may iba na. Gusto mong manatili pero mismong siya, itinataboy ka.

At siguro nga noon ko pa 'to nararamdaman, kahit noong mga panahong wala pa naman siyang iba.

I smiled sadly as I continue to stare at my feet wearing the heels I'd always wanted to wear. I can't believe that I'm now wearing these heels freely... without getting cursed at, without getting scolded. And somehow, it was everything to me.

Hindi ko akalaing maiisip kong... hindi na bumalik sa kaniya.

And yes, it still hurts. May natitirang pagmamahal sa'kin na siguro'y unti-unting natutupok. Unti-unting naglalaho at namamatay. Pero nararamdaman ko, malapit na itong maubos.

The rose has stopped waiting for a specific person to pick her up and take her home. Because all she ever wanted was to grow. All she ever wanted was to enjoy the wind dancing with her. All she ever wanted was to embrace every thorn she had.

Dahil ang mga tinik na meron ako ay ang nasa ilalim ng persona'ng nakikita sa panlabas. Inside me was a craving heart for freedom, love, hope and life. Not just a life... but it's free, it's blossoming, it is worthwhile.

Napailing ako habang pinupunasan ang pumatak na luha. Ngayon ko lang ito napagtanto. Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako o matutuwa. Na nakakainis dahil ngayon ko lang ito napagtanto, o magpapasalamat ba dahil dumating ako sa ganitong pagkakataon.

Dahil noong unang tinanong ako ni Flame kung ano bang pangarap ko, sana alam ko kaagad ang sagot. But yeah, I think life works that way. For you to unfold the life yourself.

I loved you Simon but... I want to learn to love myself more. I want to know myself better. I want to be the rose with thorns... because it is how it should be.