Need You (ShinDeku)

Ch. 83 - Friend

A/N: uhhh, wow Shinso. That's very dramatic of you. Please, will you realize all of this is entirely self inflicted?
Have fun reading!

Shinso pov

I watched Izuku smile, looking exceedingly pleased with himself. He must have made a decision or come to some sort of conclusion because he had been muttering to himself the whole way back to the dorms. The incomprehensible words and strange, distant staring at my face were over now that we were in our room so whatever he had decided in that time, I would be as happy about it as he was. Today was exhausting anyways, and I needed something to be happy about, even if I had no idea what it was.

"Hitoshi?" He drew out my name slightly and I ignored the butterflies it gave me.

I gave a hum in response, meeting his eyes. He gave me another smile as a reward, giving as much of a squeeze as he could to my hand. I suppose it was silly of me to think he wouldn't like innocent touching like that, since it's what comforted him, but it sort of felt wrong now that I'd realized I was flirting with a seriously traumatized person. I gulped, unable to pull my hand away regardless. Aren't I... taking advantage of him? I mean, it's not like he can't think for himself but he's made it clear that I'm extremely important to him as someone who saved him, and he flat out told me he would let me do things to him that he didn't like just to get over his fears. As if it were—I hesitated—exposure therapy.

"Can we sit for a few minutes before we go to feed the cats? My legs are a little tired from running in PT today." But even as the words came out of Izuku's mouth he stepped closer to me, wrapping his arm around my own instead of moving towards the desk chairs, beanbags, or even the bed. He was inches away from hugging my arm, and I swallowed roughly. Stop it Hitoshi, this is exactly what I was talking about! Control yourself for your friend who needs you.

"Uh, we don't have to go out if you're tired. Do you just wanna stay in tonight?" I brought my other hand up to rub his arm comfortingly. That's right, look at him. He's probably upset because it seems like I've been avoiding comforting him all day. It was obvious too, his eyes seemed to light up a bit and he leaned into my side.

What an idiot I had been. Sorry, Izuku. I promise I'll handle my emotions better and act as I have been with you. I just won't ever go any further. I won't take advantage of you.

"I still want to go out, my legs just need a break. Sit with me?" He asked sweetly, tugging me gently towards the beanbags.

I let him pull me over, and my breath caught as he sat me down, pushing on my shoulders until I was settled into the beanbags. He stood over me then, discarding his walking stick to lean against the bed frame and staring down with thoughtful eyes. He chewed his lip again, seemingly deep in thought for a moment. He nodded adorably to himself and promptly sat down, settling comfortably between my legs with his back to my chest.

"I... missed this," he said quietly, nervously now that he wasn't facing me. "Can we do it more often?"

I recalled Sunday night, the way I clung to him after crying, holding him securely in my lap. If it were anyone else I would say this was extremely forward and there's no way they weren't flirting, but I'm really the one who got us into that situation the last time and it seriously just seems to make him feel better. Oh Izuku, please don't play with my heart too much.

"S-sure. If that's what makes you happy." At my response, he pulled away from me, twisting his upper body to meet my eyes.

"Does it make you uncomfortable? We don't have too, I could ask to hang out with Todoroki o-or-"

"No! No, I'll do this as often as you want, I'm the one that pulled you into this position the first time anyways. It's good to feel that you're here, safe with me." I pulled him back against my chest, threading my arms around his waist and keeping him close. I didn't like how self conscious he sounded as he had pulled away, as if he was regretting his actions. The thought of him doing this with anyone else brought an uncomfortable feeling across me, which I immediately felt bad for. I mean, this really was a bit to intimate for just two friends, but... I suppose I should be happy if it was someone like Todoroki because that means Izuku is overcoming his trauma, more quickly than even I thought. Before I dwelled too long on these thoughts of morals and growth I did my best to push them out of my mind, holding Izuku close in a way that I hoped put his own mind at ease.

Sure, sitting like this made me a little uncomfortable, but only because it was making it difficult for my heart to agree with my mind that I should stop pursuing my friend.

"Okay... are you sure?" He asked, relaxing into me slightly.

"Of course." I grumbled, mentally arguing with myself.

At those words he seemed to relax fully, letting his head fall back to rest on my shoulder.

I fought not to rest my cheek on top of his curls. That would be a little too domestic.

"You're comfy," he mumbled, closing his eyes. "Just a few minutes like this," he stretched out his legs In front of us, "and I'll be all good for our little cat adventure."

My heart thumped rapidly, longingly, in my chest and I kept my jaw clenched. How could I ever get over you, Izuku? First friend, first love, first non-family member to give a fuck about me, to think of me as an important person, as their hero? I can't. What curse is this, to make me love someone who I could only ever have if I took advantage of him? Someone who nearly gives me a heart attack every other day because the world seems out to get him? I tried not to hug Izuku harder.

"Hitoshi?"

"Sorry. I've been really emotional recently. I swear I'm not usually like this."

"Are you crying?"

"No." I turn my head up and away from him, blinking as many tears away as I could. Whoever said love was a great thing was wrong. This fucking sucks.

Izuku shifts his head towards me but doesn't say anything, and I'm grateful for that. Instead he just snuggles closer and I smile bitterly.

I seriously need to get my thoughts in order. Specifically, what I'm going to do about my feelings, or more accurately what I'm not going to do about them. I can't just stop loving him. That's... not possible. Fuuuuck. I held back a watery laugh, trying to pull myself together. So, I try to work on it? Find things not to like about him? That wouldn't work either. Then, I just have to come to terms with staying friends. I can be happy as long as he is, right? That sounds... painful. Depressing. But it's nice being like this, I think I can get by just being friends and keeping these feelings to myself if we can stay like this. Even if I have to remind myself every day that I can't get any closer, that we can't ever be anything more.

Some day, hopefully, with my help and care you'll be ready to love, and you can go find someone worthy of you, someone who treats you well and puts you above all else, who can protect you and help you grow. I just hope that when that day comes I'll be able to let you go, and it won't hurt too much.

Haaahhhhh, that sounds depressing. My future looks so bleak. But it's a hell of a lot better than the guilt I'd be feeling over taking advantage of his trust in me. Anything to keep you at arms length, Izuku. You'll be happier that way.

1381 words.