HER JOURNAL

JUNE 08, 2025

"You're asking for too much"

I used to wonder how it feels like
To be called, "My love"
To be embraced with tenderness
To be kissed gently
To be loved genuinely
How does it feel like when a guy tells me he likes me?
How does it feel to be asked on a date?
How does it feel to receive flowers, gifts, and chocolates?
How does it feel to waltz under the moonlight?
How does it feel to walk with him in the rain under one umbrella?
I thought being in love is such a magical chapter of my life
But ..
Questions of curiosity turned to "I hope" and "maybe"
I hope he'll understand me
I'm too much, maybe
I hope he'll never make me cry
Maybe, the problem is me
I hope we'll be happy
Only if I'm pretty, just maybe
I hope I'll sleep soundly
But heart still aching.. oh I'm sorry.. it isn't my fault but you thank me for I gave an apology
Perhaps, I was asking for too much
When in reality, I don't even deserve all those

"Who I am today is the outcome of who I was before"

People might see me fearless
But if you'll stare into my eyes
You'll see - a girl whom scared and always seeking to escape and hide
You might see me cold and quiet
But deep within, a girl who loves to laugh and share stories
However, I'm never heard and listened to all along
"She's too much, too bold, intimidating, mean," they said
Little did they know, past keeps on whispering in my ears
In my head, I'm certain that I'm not enough
Too coward to take a step forward nor back
Innocence and kindness was all wrapped up
To adapt to the changes - I needed to turn the pages
It took me years to build the walls that protects me
Yet, one day I was told, "You built it too high and too strong, you ain't that precious for such boundaries"
I wondered if what they meant is that I was wrong
Wrong for building my walls too high
Wrong for finally loving myself
I ignored them
But days pass and their voices seems to rally
In my head, I was told I'm insanely crazy
Being self-centered and entitled
I didn't know that's how they see me
All along I thought I just learned to see my worth
I didn't know that not settling for less means you're being entitled
I didn't know that wanting to be heard means I'm self-centered
I'm just trying to survive
I didn't know that I'm being a thorn in your lives

Though I learned not to ask for more
No more fairytales
No more delusions
No more wanting for life that is impossible
I forgot, I'm just a girl
Will never ask no more

Rain