"Why did that happen?" I asked.
"Why'd You let that happen?" My eyes seems to feel sore. Tears are ready to betray me. I held myself together and silenced my mind. But my heart wrestled, it can't be shushed. It was hurt, it didn't get what it wanted. I wished nothing but good things to happen, not just for me but for others. I never wished them bad but why can't I get what I wanted? Is it unreasonable to ask for an easy life? Where struggles and obstacles are not present? Is it unreasonable to ask for love that is never complicated? Is it unreasonable to ask for happiness and never distress? And when I cry I'll ask Him why? I know it's wrong to question but I can't help it. If I can't find any answer I'll just keep on wishing to disappear – every single time.
Crying might help. I hope it will. I have hundreds speeches I've never said and tears are words the heart can tell. When I can't get what I want, I'll cry in silence like a kid who didn't get that toy from the shop. Even though I know the limitations that makes it impossible, my heart would break and when it does – it bleeds. Then, I'll be a mess. Self destruction at it's finest. A rebel in the making. I was once a girl, in hopes and dreams I cling. Now, I'm just a girl – tired of wanting.
I'm starting to get scared of wanting anything. I'd rather say "Up to you" than say "I want this" "I want that" "I want this thing to happen." I've been disappointed for a countless times and every time I'm losing – it leaves a scratch on my heart. I'm tired of wanting but never getting it.
This ain't new to me. But I still shower in tears like a newbie in this kind of drama. I'm well aware that things happen for a reason. Sometimes I'm just stupid so it happens, but most of the time – it happens because God said, I'm on a mission. I might cry like a baby but I'll never hate Him for not giving me what I asked for. I might ask repeated questions but I know how to move on.
Things happen and sometimes we don't have control over it. But we're not alone in this journey. Perhaps in the next chapter, I'll be so happy. For now, we can embrace the moment – the reality. If bad things happen, yell "PLOT TWIST!" Soon, in front of your grandkids as you tell them about your life – they'll definitely say "You have an awesome story."
Rain
YOU ARE READING
HER JOURNAL
Phi Hư CấuIt includes real life situations and events. A glimpse of HER thoughts. Contains poems, quotes and prose. Welcome to HER world - a concoction of poetic sentiments and confessions drizzled with grayish clouds of chaos dusted with fragility and ardor.
