HER JOURNAL

MARCH 31, 2025

I used to know what love is
When someone would ask
My answer won't miss
But when love unmasked
I fumbled in distress

I used to love like a shy girl in highschool
Admiring from afar
Daydreaming? Hoping? Thought it's cool
I said, "I'd fight for him in every war"
I'd paste my unsent letters for him on the wall

Satisfied with stares and smiles
Called myself loyal
Still into him despite of how many miles
Even when I know I'm a peasant and he's royal
I can write reasons why him in countless pages I'd organize in files

That was love, I thought
I even promise not to love anyone else
Despite the fact that he don't have feelings for me – not even a dot
It lasted for years
When I moved on, I was like, "what?"

My love was never reciprocated
Not once, not twice, never
It's sort of like to all the guys I liked I'm outdated
It's like they wished for a field of flowers but I'm a river
I didn't have a choice – I waited

College was my new journey
I started to focus on myself and school
I said love ain't on my vocabulary
College is a mess and a joy as a whole
And when someone offered love unexpectedly

It was new to me
Unknown to it
Because I was never liked by the guys I'd probably fancy
Jumping and holding my breath
For him, it came easy

Thought I found the one
Even told myself, I'll stick to him if he'll just fight for me
Thought he's the sun
Shining to brighten up my day in glee
He asked, "Problems?" I said, none

I witnessed how love blossomed
How a guy would admire someone respectfully
I saw how trust grew when he's there when I'm doomed
Knowing you're in love and giving in gracefully
Smiles, laughs, and secrets fumed

I'm there when love grew like a healthy rose in the garden
I'm there when he picked it and complained why it has torns
I'm there when he gets mad at it for hurting him, just then
I realized the flower mourns
Asking why he hated her, just when?

I witnessed how love slowly fades
Like the color on my face
After bursting into tears when I saw the shades
My heart would race
Every time he threw some words that hurts like blades

I knew I can't let go
I'm not the girl who can leave without running back for a hundred times
I'm certain when I say "no"
Loving is my secret crimes
And I'm too fragile to let go

I don't want to be indenial
The truth is – perhaps I got overwhelmed
When someone told me he likes me – didn't know it's a trial
I've never been here – if my smiles and cries were filmed
I didn't know love tasted like poison in a vial

I was there when love is slowly losing its meaning
I didn't know you'll only love me if I love you
Thought happiness and understanding is what love could bring
I thought you loved me before I loved you
Now, why do I feel like loving me is a burden to you?

I was wrong when I thought I know what love is
You'll make ways if you wanted to, excuses when you don't want to
Facing all odds because love is..
Love is ..
I want to know too

No fairytales will do
My idea of love is perhaps a myth
The color of love is either black or blue
Fairy dusts? Magic? Nah a scythe
'Coz heart dies when love is true

They said love is a bliss
Spontaneous and growing
I used to know what love is
To take the risk – who's willing?
Love is?

Rain