SCARLET MEETS MILA

16

Scarlet

I fiddle with a rock while dangling my feet in the pool outside. It's dark, and Mila has been on the phone with Gloria for over an hour. It's nice, gaining a bonus mom really helped her through some hard times. She calls her often, and I always give her space to vent, even if it's about me.

I chose to venture into the yard for some air. As much as I'm happy me and Mila have fixed things, I can't help but feel overwhelmed with insecurity. She looks at me like I'm the greatest thing in the world, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and these past two weeks have only proved that.

I never intended to hurt her, and if I could relive the entire experience again, I'd change almost everything to make sure I didn't let her down twice over. I was scared and uncomfortable. Not just with her, but myself. It has taken a lot for me to keep my cool over the years, but sometimes, I just don't get it right.

A lump bobs in my throat as I replay every moment in my head. I mentally slap myself for making her sad and walking away when I should have stood close. I clamp my jaw as I recall the look in her eye when I sent her five floors down. The brown melted into black, and she used every inch of her being not to furrow her brow and cry.

I did that to her.

The midnight breeze doesn't help the heat in my cheeks. Harlow tells me to be kind to myself, but beating myself up is all I know. I torture myself with thought and claim all negative energy there is on offer. Even when they tell me they forgive me, I find it hard to forgive myself.

I should have acted differently. I should have fought against the demons that taped my mouth shut and denied me the option to be open. It's hard, impossible even to allow myself the pleasure of being vulnerable. To allow myself the opportunity to be honest.

It would have been easy to tell her I was triggered, and that knowing previous to the incident would have been kinder, but my brain doesn't function like that. I swear, it's only out to sabotage me.

The words froth in my mouth, ready to pour out but they never do. Somehow, however, the spite slips through my lips. It launches itself, like a bullet from a gun, and no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to catch it. It's infuriating, but mostly, debilitating.

I wanted to hold her, run toward her and tell her I was being stupid. I wanted to rant about my mom and let her know that it wasn't personal but painful. She would have understood, she would have talked to me and made it make sense.

I didn't do any of those things.

A tear trails down my cheek and lands on my hoodie. I look up, the moon keeping me company while I sit in silence. I do this often. Recalling terrible choices seems to be my favourite pass time, and although it hurts, I can't stop myself for a second.

I wipe my cheek and sniffle.

"Baby?" Mila sits beside me quietly, the soothing aroma of her sweet perfume a luxury I don't deserve. "What are you doing out here?"

I shrug, and she notices my blush cheeks now damp with a slight sheen. "I'm fine." I reply. "Just thinking."

She turns toward me and places her warm palm on my knee. "You're crying?"

"I'm ok." I force a smile and sigh. "I- I just needed some time to process this month."

"Scarlet." She pulls my chin toward her, my blurry vision clearing with her bright gaze. "I'm not mad at you?"

"I am." I nod. "I'm mad at me."

She furrows her brow, the sympathy in her gaze almost enough to dampen my cheeks.

"I know we talked already, and I'm happy that you can forgive me, but I can't?" I suck my lower lip into my mouth and breathe deeply. "I just feel so shitty. You didn't deserve any of it and I didn't-

"Stop!" She demands gently. "Scarlet, beating yourself up won't do you any favours? Trust me, we all have moments we regret, but taking accountability is enough sometimes?"

"You don't understand." I bite. "I want to be better, but when I'm stressed like that- when I'm triggered, I turn into-

"Scarlet-

"My mom." My head falls into my palms, and a hearty sob escapes my lips. "Fuck."

She wraps her arms around me tight snd pulls me closer. "You are nothing like her!" She scolds. "You are kind, and caring. You are an incredible wife and an even better mother. Don't let that witch twist you up and make you feel like this."

"I'm sorry." I sob. "I swear, I'll do better."

She lifts my chin and wipes my cheeks. "You're perfect the way you are." She smiles. "You may get it wrong sometimes, but don't we all? You're human, and you're the human I chose to spend the rest of my life with."

A small smile twinkles in my gaze.

"I'd even go as far as renewing our vowels just to prove it."

"Maybe we should." I laugh awkwardly. "Maybe it would reignite my ability to be up front and present for you. Not that it ever left, but I need you to know how much I love you, and how committed I am to making you feel special."

She winks, standing from the pool with a smirk. "I guess you need to work on a proposal then." Her hand reaches for mine. "Come on, I'm tired and you're freezing."