Undertale: Tales from the Dreemurr Family

Bonus: Steamed Hams

(Asriel rings the doorbell of the Dracon family's home. Kirin opens the door.)

Asriel: Well, Kirin, I made it... despite your directions. 😅

Kirin: Ah, Prince Asriel Dreemurr! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

Asriel: (Walks inside) Yeah.

(Asriel sets a glass bottle of root beer in a bucket of ice on the kitchen table. Kirin enters the kitchen to the sight of smoke coming from his oven.)

Kirin *Gasp* (rushes to the oven and opens the door just to see the roast he was making catch fire.) Oh egads! My roast is ruined! (Walks to the window) But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? ...Ho ho ho ho ho! Delightfully devilish, Kirin!

(Kirin removes his apron and opens the window. He starts climbing out just as Asriel walks in.)

Asriel: Ah–?

(Music starts.)

🎵Dra–con with his crazy explanations🎵
🎵The Prince of monsters is gonna need his medication🎵
🎵Cause when he hears Dracon's lame exaggerations🎵
🎵There'll be trouble in town tonight!🎶

Asriel: Kiriiin!?

Kirin: Prince Asriel! I was just... uh... (starts stretching) s-stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

Asriel: (Points at the oven, still emitting smoke) Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Kirin?

Kirin: O-oh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! (Rubs his stomach) Mmm, steamed clams!

(Asriel walks out.)

Kirin: (wipes his forehead.) Whew! (Jumps out the window and rushes to Grillby's.)

(Asriel is tying a napkin around his neck when Kirin walks in with a tray of burgers.)

Kirin: Prince Asriel, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!

Asriel: I thought we were having steamed clams?

Kirin: (sets down tray) Oh, no! I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers!

Asriel: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"

Kirin: Yes! It's a... regional dialect.

Asriel: Uh-huh. What region?

Kirin: Uhh, inner Underground?

Asriel: Really? Well, I'm from New Home and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Kirin: Oh, not in New Home. It's a Hotland expression.

Asriel: I see.

(Asriel takes a bite of "steamed ham" while Kirin takes a sip of root beer. Asriel opens up the burger.)

Asriel: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Grillby's.

Kirin: Oh ho ho ho no! Patented Dracon Burgers! Old family recipe!

Asriel: ...For steamed hams?

Kirin: Yes!

Asriel: Yes, and you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact that they're obviously grilled? (Shows the obviously grilled burger patty to Kirin.)

Kirin: (starts getting flustered as the kitchen door starts emitting smoke.) Well, I—Y-You know th— One thing I sh— Excuse me one second.

Asriel: Of course.

(Kirin walks into the now on-fire kitchen as Asriel takes another bite of burger. Kirin walks out a moment later.)

Kirin: *yawn* Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Asriel: (stands up) Yes, I should be- (notices the blazing kitchen) GOOD GOLLY WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!?

Kirin: Aurora Borealis.

Asriel: Ah—! Aurora Borelais? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?

Kirin: Yes.

Asriel: ...May I see it?

Kirin: No.

(Asriel and Kirin walk out onto the front porch.)

Crystal (from upstairs): Kirin! The house is on fire!

Kirin: No, Crystal, it's just the Northern Lights!

Asriel: Well, Kirin, you are an odd monster, but I must say, you steam a good ham.

(Asriel walks away from the burning house when he hears Crystal calling.)

Crystal: Heeelp! (Asriel turns to Kirin.) Heeelp! (Kirin gives a thumbs up, then, once Asriel is gone, rushes back inside.)

I have had this idea for who knows how long at this point, and I do not regret posting this chapter. It's the funny things in life that matter.

-α&Ω