The Bridge

Chapter 33

Nagising ako sa liwanag ng araw nanggagaling sa bintana. Di ko pala nasara yung bintana ko.

After that night, it was the preparation for the Halloween. Everyone was busy doing all the decorations around the school dahil nagkakaroon ng mini-event before the holiday started.

But I am preparing for a different event so I wasn't able to focus on them. 

I packed my bags and prepared to go to the cemetery. Pinalinisan ko na ang mosuleyo ng mga magulang ko. I remember crying in there weeks bago ako kunin nina tita.

This is my first undas... sa puntod ng mga magulang ko.

My heart is breaking as I ride the cab going to the cemetery. Last year, we went to cemetery to visit our ancestors on my father's side, ngayon ako na lang ang bibisita sa kanila. Sina tita, normally they go to tito's family, si papa at tita ang magkapatid pero mas priority ni papa talaga ang magulang niya and mama understood that, we haven't seen mother's side... or ako lang. They thought that we had a lot of time for that. We thought...

Bumaba ako sa taxi. Dito pa lang naiiyak na ako. Sunod-sunod yung paglunok ko ng laway ko kase kailangan kong pigilan yung sarili ko sa pag-iyak.

I am supposed to be done crying.

Pumasok ako sa malaking gate ng sementeryo. It's not that crowded tho, siguro kase private, pero may mga nag-se-set-up ng tents and so on sa mga puntod. Some might have moved on, some may not, but they are here... with their family to be with the loved ones who passed.

I understand their situation now because I am right here.

Binaybay ko ang patag na daan. Dinirecho ko lang yun kase sa dulo nun ay ang mausoleum ng mga magulang ko. I breathe heavily. I have another key on me... nagsisimula na akong humikbi nang makita ko yung maliit nilang building.

Ngayon ko na lang uli to nakita. Sobrang hirap na hirap ako nung tumawag ako para ipalinis tong lugar na'to... tapos eto na naman ako.

Mula dito sa labas, kita ang puntod ng mga magulang ko. Magkadikit sila... as they should be... they died together though.

I wiped my tears as I see my reflection on the transparent glass. Pumunta ako sa gilid ng mausoleum to open the wooden door. Pagbukas, makikita ang puntod ng mga magulang ko, sa magkabilang-gilid naman noon ay may mahahabang upuan na may throw pillow tapos may blanket din, meron din tong ceiling fan na syang binuksan ko. Sa likod ng puntod nila ay may altar kung saan may cross, sa kaliwa non ay may lamesang gawa sa marmol, sa kanang gilid naman ay may pinto, yes... may CR.

Ibinaba ko yung mga gamit ko at lumuhod sa harap ng puntod nila... then my eyes started crying. I cried... so hard...

It's always like this. On my normal days, I am... normal... it's not that I forget about them... it's just I am distracted and I don't want to ruin other's moods I was enjoying myself too. Right now, I remember the pain of losing them... losing the two of them.

My cries echoed in the mausoleum.

If I am watching myself right now, myself will cry too. My cries were painful to hear... no one wants to hear this cry... I bet my parents too... they won't... like this.

"Ma... Pa..." that's the only thing that I can say... cause I can no longer talk. Yung hikbi ko, yun na lang ang nagsilbing mensahe sa kanila.

I know... It will be painful for both of you to see me like this, but... I couldn't help it... it was heavy ma... I was able to survive this long because I wasn't alone... but right now... my heart aches, it is breaking into pieces. It was still fresh... I can still feel the pain in my feet, I can still feel how you caress me saying that I should stay... that ... that you will save Papa... I can still remember how Papa mouthed that he loved me. They are still here. Ang sakit-sakit na I can no longer say it back to you and see or hear your response. Ma... Pa... I know I am no longer alone in this life where you don't exist... but I still want a world where you do exist.