Petals on The Moon || Reyna Ramirez-Arellano x Fem!OC

LI

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

I never meant to kill my dad.

as much as I hated him and as bad as he made me feel, killing him never even crossed my mind. running away did. trying to get him arrested was definitely in there once or twice. but never killing him. and I have only told one other person about that, and every day, I'm afraid she'll use it against me.

It's not that I actually THINK reyna would turn against me like that. I think we're friends, and she's noble, and she has her own dark secret that can never see the light of day. but theres this lingering paranoia that I'll probably never quite shake. it was bad enough when nobody else knew. when the truth was just locked away, and I kept wondering if someone would sniff it out eventually. but it got so much worse after I told reyna.

I wish I never had. It scares me. I was weak and vulnerable. I shouldve just mentioned the cyclopes and then been done, but it just tumbled out of me. at first, it was cathartic. someone who understood that. someone who went through the same thing. someone who made me feel like I wasn't a monster. but now, there's two people in the world that know my secret. twice the chance for everyone to find out.

I thought about this on one of my night walks. I usually go out late at night, between twelve and three, since no one else is out and they cant bother my thoughts. I think a lot, contrary to popular belief, but I wish I didnt. I hate thinking about anything too much, because it always takes me to that dark corner that I feel trapped in.

I want people to think of me as a fun person. as a positive, outgoing, talented individual with his whole life ahead of him. thats all I want. I want to be someone that people look up to, whether its for my music or my positivity or my sociability or my compassion. I try to be compassionate, even though Im a dickhead at heart. I like to think Im a good person. but there's so much I have to repent for in so little time.

maybe thats why I try so hard with suki. I bully her, since lets face it, shes bullyable. but shes sweet and smart and everyone else needs to see that. shes talented, and someone needs to make that grow. so even though Im unemployed and lose money in fights I never win, I think I need to buy her new books and paints and whatever else she dreams of. maybe that's always why I want to bash that asshole's face in for what he did to her.

but it seems like no matter what I do, people dont really like me. Im "too energized" or Im "too loud" or I'm "too dumb" or I'm "a smartass" or anything else. if I tone it down, everyone wonders what's wrong with me and demands I pick it back up. When I pick it back up, everyone demands I tone it back down because it's screwing their heads off to deal with me. When Im stupid, everyone wants me to be smarter and more capable. when I'm smart, everyone acts shocked because they didnt know I had it in me, then they call me a smartass for knowing the different pressure points in the body and the conductivity of different metals.

I cant win. if Im too nice, kids my age like to call me a pushover and a pansy. If i'm too mean, Im a bully and I need to loosen up. if I like girls, I'm a horny loser that sexually harasses them. If I like boys, i'm a faggot with no game. If I like no one, Im a weirdo.

and then, when I actually do a good job, there's the backhanded compliments. "i cant believe you, of all people, are a chemistry wizz!" "I didnt think you'd actually be able to sing!" "you know a lot for someone who doesnt read." none of those make me feel better. why SHOULDNT I be a chemistry wizz? Ive excelled at science since I was a kid, and I've lived in the same place my whole life, so where's this coming from? I've enjoyed music and sung along to songs my entire life. I professed that I DO have the talent. but its not even about the way they said it; its the fact that nobody believes in me.