Petals on The Moon || Reyna Ramirez-Arellano x Fem!OC

LXII

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Hello again.

I don't really want to recount my arguments with Claire, because they are not so much arguments as they are really unfortunate conversations that lead absolutely nowhere.

I don't know what else I am supposed to do. She says it's hard to be with someone so different than her, so I'm trying very hard to fix all of the things that are wrong with me, but it's going nowhere. On top of all of that, Devon has been arrested, and I am about to have to go give a really lengthy police report, so I am just really not having a great day.

I spent most of the day moping, which I have not done in a really long time. There's just too much going on. Sebastian has been rehearsing all the livelong day for the past whole month for this talent show. I wish I could participate with him. But nothing is really going in my favor, and I'm having an all-around terrible time.

I keep trying to look at the bright side. Reyna has a new wardrobe. Mostly athletic wear and shirts, but it all actually fits her, and Sebastian was right. The colors look good on her. Jason is also doing much better as praetor. I think the anxiety has finally worn off of him. People actually don't think the fifth cohort sucks so bad!

But, then I keep feeling bad all over again.

I'm embarrassed more than anything. I feel like everybody knows now, and it just makes me feel disgusting. There has always been something wrong with me, but Sebastian usually just told everyone I'm autistic (which has been diagnosed now) and they would just walk it off, because who cares if someone is autistic? But instead, now it's like everyone sees me as "that girl that got raped as a kid" and I just want to vomit.

I also feel gross every time I grab my razor blade. It's the only thing that makes me feel like I can breathe a little bit. And nobody else knows about it. I had stopped for a while, when we went in the Labyrinth, and for a long time after that, because I felt like maybe things weren't so bad. Ambrosia and nectar make the scars go away, so nobody really even knew. But everything just spirals worse and worse every day.

I feel like I should be dead again, which is weird, because I haven't felt like that in a long time. I didn't even realize that the lingering pain was gone, even though in hindsight, it was so obvious. I lost a leg, but so much of me seemed so whole back then. "Back then", just a few months ago.

But now, it's getting colder, both literally and metaphorically, and it just feels like the world might be ending. Every day somehow gets worse than the last. I think I maybe feel so bad because it started in the cold months. And it doesn't help that this is all timed around the exact same time. I don't know what I would rather have; a medium-bad summer and winter, or an ultra-bad just winter. Either way is suffocating and exhausting.

I'd rather be asleep more than anything else. It is not exactly that I want to die. It is more so that I wish I could sleep for two or three years, and just wake up, and everything would be perfect. I'd wake up, and Sebastian would be a millionaire with the songs I wrote. I'd wake up, and Reyna and Jason would lead the twelfth legion, and I'd be happy with Claire.

The last part if getting to me. I want to be happy with her. And I really want her to like me. Sometimes it feels like maybe she doesn't. Like she liked me more before realizing how boring I am. She kissed me first, and I don't think she would have done that if she didn't really like me at least a little bit.