Open Closets

Happiness after the Dark

Hi lovelies, here is the third chapter. It's written by the amazing FreeTheGeek. She is so incredible and strong, even after what she went through she still stayed positive and I'm really happy that you helped me. Thank you so much, girl. <3
*I think I should put trigger warning here. This chapter contains self harm.*

This quote is one that I agree with most of the time. The only time I don't is when I'm feeling down.

'Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.' -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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I came out to 6 friends on the 11th of April 2015. One of the first things they asked me was 'How did you realise?'

Here is the story.

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I was 10 years old and I had just come back to school after the summer break. A total of 6 weeks and I hadn't seen any of my classmates. When I got there, I saw this girl that had been in my class for four years. Never in my life had I been so glad to see someone. I had no idea why I was so glad to see her. And then I started noticing things about her.
How beautiful she was. How she, even though I was small, was smaller than me. Because of this, I felt the need to protect her. I had urges to hug her and to kiss her. I didn't know what was happening. Never in my life did it occur to me that I could love a girl.
But I did.
10 year old me was disgusted at myself. I thought it was wrong. I went to a church school for goodness sake! I had grown up thinking same gender love was wrong. I got to the point where I was in a lot of pain. Not physical, mental. I wanted to harm myself but I didn't want my mum or dad to see the scars; they would want to know why I did it. I would purposely have extremely hot baths to burn myself. It would help me to forget my mental pain and the best thing was, I could pass it off as a mistake. Biting my nails really short would suffice as well. I would punch things. Things that were soft but not soft enough to be unsatisfactory. It wouldn't mark my skin. I still wasn't happy with myself.
It wasn't enough.
At the time I thought the best thing to do would be to cut my skin. I truly thought that the blood would take the pain away. It did.
I cut places where people wouldn't see, even if I was wearing shorts. My upper thigh, my waist and my shoulder area. The relief was short lived and certainly didn't help in the long run. Take my word for it.

And then I met a boy.
You can't imagine how confused I was. I had loved a girl and there suddenly I found myself falling for a boy. I didn't know bisexuality existed (I was 11 by this point)! The boy asked me out and I said yes. I told myself I was straight. I tried. I really tried.

I was at a pretty low point in my life. I had suicidal thoughts and truly thought the world would be a better place without me.

Then it was time for high school. I met a great bunch of friends.

When I got to the age of 12, I decided enough was enough. I wanted out. There were many reasons why I thought this. I will share one of these. The others are reasons to which I do not wish to share. I hope you can respect that. That reason was the fact that I was attracted to both males and females. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It is my most vivid memory.

I don't know how. I really don't, but I suddenly found myself alone in the house. Bearing in mind, my parents won't even leave me alone for 30 minutes now, and I'm 15. I remember feeling as though someone, or something, had taken over my body. I ran down the stairs, ran into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, ran back upstairs and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

Tears were streaming down my face and I was screaming. I remember sinking down to the floor and placing my head in my hands. I was shaking so bad. Suddenly, the knife was back in my hand and I was on my feet again. The main difference was that the knife was not only in my hands, it was being aimed at my wrists. Thoughts overcame me. I couldn't think clearly. I can't even describe how I felt.

I was about to do it... Until I got a text. This text was from this group chat my friends and I had. It was some stupid picture one of them had found that they wanted to share because they thought it was funny. It wasn't the picture that stopped me, it was the fact that one of my friends had sent it. One of my greatest fears is people being disappointed in me. I couldn't bare the thought of my friends being disappointed. With that thought, I forced myself to bring the knife away from my wrists and put it back where I got it. I still have the notes hidden somewhere that I had in my pocket. One was addressed to my family, one to my friends.

They helped me more than they'll ever know. I ignored the fact that I was attracted to girls as well as boys. In high school, I was asked out by two guys and I'm currently dating on of them. The first one, who I dated for about a year, came out as bisexual. What was bisexual? I googled it and all that stuff I had ignored rushed back to me.
This was my answer.
I wasn't a freak.
I knew what I was.
And I was happy to finally find out that I wasn't alone.

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That was my story. Yes, even 10 year olds can self harm. It's a scary thought.

So bisexuals, people will tell you that it's just a phase, that your just confused or that bisexuality doesn't exist.

You are living proof that it DOES exist.

You know your mind enough to know that you're not confused. I know for a fact that I find both boys and girls attractive and you know what? 10 year old me couldn't see it but IT IS okay.
I am bisexual and I am real.

I know I can't physically stop you, but I beg you NOT to self harm and NOT even consider killing yourself.

I thank my friends. Even though they don't know it to this day, they helped me.

If you are unsure of your sexuality, going through similar struggles to me or just need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to speak to me.

I kept this anonymous as I couldn't bare my friends to find my Wattpad and read it. As I said, one of my greatest fears is for people to be disappointed in me.

'Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.' - Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

A/N: Thanks again to FreeTheGeek for helping me. I'm so glad that you stopped and that you told us you story, so it can help others. You are a good friend of mine even though we are horrible at responding. I'm glad that you helped.
Remember if you need something or someone to talk don't hesitate to messages us and stay strong.
see ya soon with another update lovelies,
byeee♡♥♡