Open Closets

Go with your Heart Not with the Words from the Past

A/N: Hey lovelies, here is the 25th chapter its written by my best friend/husband Muffintop.
Thank you so much my love for writing this.
This chapter will hopefully show you what a beautiful place the Internet is and that you will figure it out, no matter what. I'm here for you okay? Ilysm.

Thank you for everything, this book makes me so incredibly happy ❤️

Disclaimer: this chapter was written when Andy still identified as female, I tried to change all the pronouns and stuff so if you still find something that makes no sense, that's why. (pls tell me if you do so I can change it)

Hello Muffins.  I'm Andy and  I'm (Drumroll please) 112.  Ok ok no I'm not.  I'm actually twelve.  Please leave (most) of your stereotypical twelve year old personality ideas in the doorway I'm in no way innocent or clean mouthed. And RN I identify as a soulless ginger.  No no, actually I identify as a pansexual transgender male (I think)

Speaking of time, let's go back (to the future) (no other parentheses to my childhood).  I've always been raised in an accepting household.  My babysitters were these amazing people, family friends, who just happened to be a lesbian couple.  Further in the future Me and my family almost threw a party when gay marriage was legalized.  You get the point, we love LGBT+ muffins.  Even though that's true, I still would still accept the social "norm" that is 'straight is normal' back then.  I would chase around my best friend at the time, Blaze, trying to kiss him.  He sadly moved to Saudi Arabia (IDK if I spelled that right), and my other best friend, Katie May, moved too.  So that caused me to become super close to my BFF, Rose.  Who is important to this, but that's for a later time.

Rose. (Oops maybe not that much later)  She is the one who brought me to YouTube.  iisuperwomanii to be exact.  Now Lily didn't play a huge role in this but she is the one who lead me to find Tyler Oakley, who lead to the entire Tronler fandom and the Phandom, Buzzfeed yadayadayada all of YouTube.  Anyways eventually, when I was eleven, so last year, I found this Buzzfeed video.  Don't ask me what it was, I don't remember.  But that's what started all this I asked myself 'what if I like girls?'

The problem with this though is, I was younger then.  I had never had a real crush on anyone, never experienced anything that would even the tiniest bit tell me who I am romantically or sexually attracted to.  And I just couldn't.  I was too young to be attracted to people.  So for months I was forcing myself to "like like" everyone around me.  Didn't matter if you were a boy or girl. If i saw you I would pretend to like you in my mind.  It was a horrible time.

This went on till the summer.  When I actually matured (and became a fangirl not relevant but who gives a shit fandoms are awesome). But of course it was summer so I wasn't around real people much.  I had the internet and, well, use your imagination.  But don't go too far into your imagination god you all have such dirty minds (though i'm one to talk i have a dirtier mind than most people I know though I know how to hide it).  I discovered that I didn't give a shit really who it was and was attracted to everybody. 

There we have it, I discovered I liked everybody.  Case closed right.  Well no. Because like the little idiot I am I came out. 

At summer camp, when we were out on the lake in a sailboat alone, I told her I was bi.  No nervousness or anything, I just told her.  I thought "that was easier than I thought it would be". I was right.  It was too easy because  I didn't understand who I was then completely.  When I said the I was bi to her it was just a word.  Like saying to her "rubber duck", just words.

Lets just say soon after I regretted telling her.  Not because she's a homophobe or anything.  In fact she, as she says, is "a lipstick lesbian".  No, I regretted because I wasn't ready.  I hadn't figured things out. It was like saying something stupid and then later that day realizing you shouldn't have said it.

Lets just say this made this way harder than things could have been.  I then and there decided I was bi and nothing else.  Somebody already knew, so I thought that it would be hypocritical to change my mind now.

Imagine deciding you can only eat cake forever.  Nothing else, just one type of cake.  Seems amazing at first, right?  Like everything is perfect and delicious.  But then you get sick of it.  It was kinda like that at first.  Amazing and perfect till I couldn't settle my mind on the subject because it wasn't quite right.

Now fast forward a month or two and hundreds of internet quizzes that I went to get the answer I wanted (always either bi or lesbian) to August.  There was when things actually started moving along.  I turned twelve, and finally I started being attracted to people.  Now, I couldn't be sure because all I had was TV, but it was good enough.  I also started reading fanfics here on wattpad..  And thank troll jegus for that.  There I saw commenters and they said they were "pansexual".  I had heard the term before but never really considered what it was or that I could be it until this person, whom I do not remember the name of, explained  it to me. Of course I didn't really consider it as being me still.

Then when one of the best things to ever happen to me happened.  I read DHolt99's fanfic and if you remember, he wrote a chapter in here.  There was this A/N that talked about this book.  So I decided to check it out. And me and the lovely owner of this had our first conversation in the first chapter of this book, and our second in the second chapter, with many to follow.

Of course from there a beautiful friendship blossomed.  She has helped me through my darkest times, and everything in between those times and my best.  Without her I never would have fully figured all this out till years into the future.  She talked to me when I told my mom I was bi, which I will soon be telling her that I am pan instead of bi.

Gradually after meeting her, over the course of five months, I decided to consider that I might not be bisexual.  I slowly eased into accepting that I didn't have to go by what I said once to my best friend before I had figured things out.  And then, a one point it was like I took a sharp left from a bending turning path.  It just kinda clicked that I am pan. Not much else to it than it clicked.  

So hey, I'm pan.  And that's amazing.  Who I am is who I am, no matter what I've said in the past.  Well, there's not much more that I can say now, but anyways, bye muffins.  Go with your heart, not your words from the past.

A/N: I love you so freaking much my love, this text made me actually cry, congrats. We went through so much in the last month and I'm so fucking glad I met you. I'm so incredibly proud of you and I'm so happy that you finally found your answer. You are my best friend and this text means the world to me. Thank you for being your beautiful self, for opening up and letting me in, for being here when I needed you and I want you to know that we are #Jodrey for a reason, I love you so so so much and I will always be here for you and I promise I will hug you one day, I will hold you and cry happy tears just like rn, I will give you that kiss on the head I always wanted to give you and I'll finally see you irl not only through a screen. Thank you so much for this text ilysm ❤️
Happy Anniversary my love, I hope you have a wonderful day.

If anyone of you, needs someone to talk, don't hessitate to pm any of the authors or me. We are here for you. 

I'll ya hopefully soon with another update lovelies,
Byeee ❤️❤️❤️