Open Closets

Discovering yourself

Hi lovelies, here is the 7th chapter and it's written by the sweet oktronnor . She is incredible and so nice. I'm really happy she helped me. A big thanks to you, girl. <3

First off, I would like to start this by saying that discovering your sexuality is probably one of the most terrifying parts of your life. Hell, im still going through it. And I'm going through it with you. If you, the person reading this, is scared of your sexuality and coming to terms with it, know that I'm literally going through it with you. If it makes you feel better, someone you know probably is too. You're not alone.

I remember the first time I questioned my sexuality, and it was honestly so crazy because after just, well, being straight for this whole time, I started doubting myself. I was straight, right? Straight people dont find the same gender attractive. They dont imagine them being in a relationship with them, nonetheless getting flustered.

I had been obsessed with youtube and the internet in general for the longest time, so it was no surprise that I knew lots of sexualities and what they meant. To me, it was kind of one of those things that you became attached to. I didnt know what made me so interrested, but I went straight to searching things and reading articles all night. For what reason, I didn't know. I just always felt like I had, like, a connection to it. It's hard to explain.

But one normal day, like any other, I was on youtube. Just watching youtube videos. And for some reason, I just started watching coming out videos. For no reason. Just because I wanted to. And then I thought, why am I doing this? Why am I doing this when I'm straight, I'm not gay! But then I considered what if I am?

And I just sat there for a minute. Because why would I think about this? I just searched up zoe sugg's channel and started watching her videos. And I actually concentrated on her, not the video, just her. And I found her attractive. The kind of attractive where if she was someone at school that I knew I would get a crush. Yeah.

So was I gay? Or am I bi? Or straight, because these feelings are completely stupid and will go away tomorrow? I started crying and just lay on the floor. Because for the first time, I had actually acknowledged what these weird, irrelevant emotions were. But was i afraid? Yes. completely, utterly afraid.

But me actually coming across these didn't make any difference. I kept going online, I kept reading fanfiction, and nothing changed excelt for this whole big weight on my shoulders.

But I've finally learned to accept. After about three months of ignoring these feelings that have been coming up more recently, I began to do even more investigating. I looked at a whole entire page of sexualities, and I basically just checked off what applied to me.
So what options do I have? For now im considering bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, and gay. But again, I'm considering them. I've never liked someone except a boy in third grade for two or three days. I'm just lost. What are my romantic and sexual feelings? I have an attraction to girls. I can see myself in a relationship with them. But at the same time, I can't. It just seems so strange, out of my usual comfort zone. And I want it. I want to explore it. And I also have an attraction to men, yet it is a bit harder to see myself dating them. But what about non binary people? It's just so confusing.

I think one of the main reasons I'm confused is because throughout our whole life, we are taught to be straight. My parents always say, "when youre older, you and your boyfriend...when you find a boy you like...etc..." and it's so damn frustrating. Because they dont seem to acknowledge the fact that not everyone is straight, the apparent "norm". No one does. I've been brought up to be that straight is how I am. I'm going to have a boyfriend. I'm attracted to men. I'm going to have a husband in my future.

Today I had to go to the hospital for a follow up appointment for my knee. My parents and I were in the waiting room, and in walked a girl with skinny jeans, a batman backpack and a beanie. She was gorgeous. And it was another on of those moments where I get stressed and frustrated even more, because is this normal?

One of the other things that annoys me is religion. I'm not saying im not religious or anything, but apparently since the bible says how if a man loves a man then they are unforgiven and arent going to be accepted into the afterlife. But what about slavery? leviticus 25:44-46 : "you may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are around you". We have all voted against slavery, because it's common sense how that isn't right. We disobeyed the bible. But when it comes to homosexuality, we cant, because we are sinning? Where is the difference between the two?

Overall, I am a huge supporter of social equality. Whenever anyone says an offensive slur or phrase, I step in and correct them. I don't care if it gets annoying or whatnot, people should know not to judge people for something they cant control. And lots of people know this. So when the other day my sisters boyfriend said the word "fag", I said that is offensive and he shouldn't say that. Looking back I should have kept my mouth shut, I know, I know. But what made me anxious was when he said something in response and said "there's a fag right there" and he looked at me. He may have said it as a joke (which it isn't), or being serious. Because how would my sister and him have ever known about that? The only social media of mine they know is my twitter and instagram, which is my personal one so it's not like I would go and say how I'm confused with my sexuality. I only really post stuff where I get personal about my life, feelings, and emotions on tumblr, which I wouldn't have thought they would have known. And I just went straight up to my room and had an anxiety attack. Because me just having this little thought and expressing it, which seems simple, has turned into two people I know personally perhaps knowing about this. And they cant.

So yeah, there's this. I want you to know that your race, gender, sexuality, or religion does not define you. You are your own person, and you can decide how you want to live. No one makes decisions except for yourself. We are all human, and should be treated equally.

Again, I'm not sure of my sexuality. And thats okay. If you do know, good for you!
Congratulations on moving past such a confusing part of your life. And if like me, you don't, great. You will figure it out eventually. I will figure it out eventually. We all will.

Feel free to message me through my wattpad account or tumblr (trickytroye) if you need advice or just want to talk. know that I will always be here for you.

good luck! <3 kayley

A/N: thanks again to oktronnor for helping me. This chapter means a lot and it helped me as well, bc I'm struggling as well and I couldn't have said it better than her, it's okay and we'll figure it out. She said so many important things, just like every one else who helped me create this book, and I just wanted to say thanks for being you. You are all amazing and so wise. (not in a strange old people way, but in the way of a person who learned out of their experiences and mistakes and learned from and listened to other who went through the same things.) Don't let anyone, tell you different.
If you ever need something please message us.
And thank you so so much for 1,2 k, this is so amazing I still can't believe it. thank you so much I'm really happy that we could help a few people with this.
see ya soon with a new update lovelies,
byeee♡♥♡