Open Closets

One page at a Time

A/N: Hey lovelies, here is the 18th chapter and it's written by the talented cashtiel, he draw the beautiful drawing on top of this and I love it. I'm really glad that he helped me and put so much effort into drawing the pic. Thank you so much <3

It was December 28th, 2014, and Leelah Alcorn had passed away.

Of course, I didn't know her personally. I had only heard things on tumblr when her parents tried to cover it up; bury her in a suit; etc. It was sad, sure, but that wasn't what had me feeling so concerned. It was that word - transgender - that had my stomach in knots. I'd heard the phrase before, sure, but it didn't quite click with me. I mean, I wasn't a boy! I played volleyball, I liked drawing, and most of all, I liked boys.

I mean, think of me, with my long blonde hair and my double d breasts, my body anything but masculine. I had accepted that I might not be straight, but as for being a girl? I mean, I shove a tampon up my vag every day for a week, I've earned the right to fit in as a girl.

But things just.... weren't right.

It wasn't that I didn't fit in with other girls, no, because I did. It just felt unsettling, uncomfortable, felt like this wasn't quite my skin even though I was wearing it. I'm moderately attractive, yes, but I'm attractive as a girl and it would just be a waste of such good genetics to throw on some basketball shorts and a sports bra. And I'd just look like a lesbian anyways, which I definitely didn't want.

It wasn't until the new year that I started thinking, and it really developed into a bit of an obsession.

"Would you still be my friend if I was a guy?" I'd ask my friends, a frown plastered over my face, eyebrows creased in concern.

"Doesn't matter." They would laugh, emptily reassuring, "Of course we would, though." A pause. "But you're not, so we don't really have to worry about it."

I was, though, although I knew it was stupid. I'm a girl! I am! I pounded the phrase into my head, literally whispered it to myself as I worked. Something struck me, though, about Leelah Alcorn's art. "Boy Princess", one was called, and I twisted the title before placing it onto myself. I would be the Boy Princess, but I'd still be a girl. It eased my mind, if only for a week or two.

Eventually, though, the unrest settled deep within my chest once more, and I felt the need to relieve it in any way I could. At this point, two of my close friends had confided in me that they were part of the LGBT+ community (a bisexual and an asexual, both who are still close with me today). I felt accepted, I felt comforted, but I didn't quite know why. Not knowing exactly what asexuality was, I looked it up.

I adopted that next, combed through endless text and tumblr pages, learned about gender and sexuality and everything else. I was bisexual - no, I was pansexual. Or wait, maybe I was asexual...? I was definitely aromantic, but still craved the love and affection that I knew a romantic relationship would give me. God. Everything was so confusing, and I still had no idea who I was.

Depression, anxiety, and new ADHD medications were also taking their toll on me, and everything began to fall apart as the stress of the summer nearing began to near. God. What the hell was wrong with me? I wanted to just end all the confusion, wanted to drop off the face of the earth, and the fear of relapsing into self harm only piled onto my anxious retrospections and the stresses of my daily life. I couldn't say I hated myself, but I sure as hell hated the way my brain was working.

So, as anyone who's going through tough times does, I dyed my hair. Then, no more than two months later, cut it to my shoulders. That was hell, so later that week I had it cut short, above the ear, still pastel purple.

For the first time I could remember, I was happy and comfortable with myself. I kept my hair short, dyed it for fun, and am currently fighting the battle against my mental illnesses. I bought three binders, started to shift from my painted nails and winged eyeliner to more traditionally masculine clothing that made me feel good.

I loved myself.

And then it happened.

I distinctly remember how shaky my hands were, how our washing machine had broken down and I had to wear clothes that had been on the floor, how I had wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans before meeting my own eyes in the mirror. I was in my binder, yes, but I felt as out of place as ever.

It would be fair to say my first day of high school was rough, but it was nowhere near as rough as the anticipation to return.

The day had been filled with excited greetings, with hugs that were followed by the quick flicker of eyes to my chest before meeting my face once more. No one said anything, so I didn't either. Eventually, I calmed down, and it only took a few days for me to fall into place and fall in love with my new environment.

I wear my binder every day now, and although I'm not completely out yet, I'm doing my best to spread the word. Even when you've accepted yourself, nervousness still will boil up every time it comes to wondering whether your dad will accept you, whether your best friend will accept you, whether your teachers will accept you. I get it. I understand. Sometimes it feels like self hatred will shove itself down your throat, will make you feel worthless and broken because you're not like the other kids.

But if there's anything I can tell you, is it gets better. It'll be harder to tell those who are close to you than people at school when it comes to being anything outside the norm. I told my mother in a panic attack, but earlier today I casually mentioned to one of my close acquaintances that I was trans, that I was a guy, and I have never been more proud of myself.

It's been a long journey, and it's nowhere near over. The good times have been good, and the bad times have surely been bad, but you can't skip chapters in your life. You may be in the beginning, questioning who and what you are, wanting to rush to the point where you're comfortable, but the truth is you can't. Your life is a book in the process of being written, and as much as we all want to, you can't skip ahead.

As hard as it is, we keep moving. I'm proud of you for making it this far, and I wish you luck with what's left to come.

A/N: Thanks again to @cashtiel (ugh why won't it let me tag you again? srew you wattpad! I'm sorry) for helping me. I'm really proud of you and I can't thank you enough for this chapter it's really beautiful and I couldn't stop smiling at the end. I'm so happy for you and I'm glad that your coming out went well and I wish you that your future coming outs will go well too. I'm always here for you, ily.

please remember that you are not alone if anyone of you needs anything or someone to talk please don't hesitate to comment or message me or any of the other authors, we are here for you.

Sorry that this is so late but I had a lot of stress and now I'm sick, so I was a little busy. oh and I won't go on vacation so there will be normal updates in the next two weeks

I'll see ya soon with another update lovelies,
Byeee ♡♥♡