Open Closets

homoflexible

A/N: hey lovelies, here is the 33rd chapter and its written by the amazing lovelyjaspar. I admire her a lot for being so sweet and calm and not offending people even if they offend her. I'm so glad I met her and that she wrote this chapter, a big Thanks to you girl for helping me, <3.

My experience with discovering my sexuality is actually pretty funny. You see, I was probably like 11 years old, and I was a part of this quizzing/writing website called QuoteV. It was originally called Quizazz, and I remember being livid about the name change. Anyways, that's not the point - on this site, I made a small group of my first ever internet friends. Too bad I haven't talked to them in years. One of my friends on there was a girl who I'm going to call T for the sake of this book thing. T and I were fairly close, and we talked about almost everything.

Well, when I had around 500-600 followers on this site, I made a post that said something like "15 likes and I'll tell y'all who my crush is lol"

I didn't have a crush. I just genuinely thought that I wouldn't get 15 likes - but, for some reason, people really wanted to know. I remember it got like 30+ likes and I was panicking like WHATWHATWHAT WHO DO I SAY I CANT SAY I DONT LIKE ANYONE WTF !!!

Thankfully, I don't have a family who openly talks about their bigotry, though there are definitely a few bigots the live in my family tree. Luckily, my parents are not bigots - though my mom is unintentionally sexist and my dad doesn't really understand what is racist and what isn't. When it came to being straight or gay, they weren't negative. My dad always said he would kick anyone's ass if if they hurt me, boy or girl. I love him a lot for that.

Because of this, I never considered myself srraight or bi or anything. I knew they would love me no matter what.

So, in my panic, I said that my friend, T, was my crush and that I knew she didn't like me back so it wasn't a big deal. But, shocker, she actually DID like me - she had been crushing on me for over a month by that point. I was too afraid and awkward to admit to my lies, and I knew me being with her would make me happy, even if i wasn't. So I dated her (jackass move, tbh).

Funny thing, though: I ended up liking her a lot. She was the closest to the love of my life as a twelve year old can get. So, suddenly, I was like, GIRL! I LIKE GIRL! GIRL V CUTE! I LOVE THIS GIRL!

Aroumd then, I started noticing my attraction to girls at my school - physical, not romantic. I was very devoted on T and being with her.

I was with her for 3 months.  Unfortunately, this was when personal shit in my life sent me into a spiral of depression and I became convinced that she would be a million times happier without me, so I broke up with her and begged her to hate me because I thought it would make the break up easier on her. I remember messaging her a few months later to check in and make sure her home life was okay, and she told me that she hated me and that I was her gay phase. That kind of hurt a lot, but it's okay. Pain is a part of growing up.

I dated a few more girls online before finally finding one of my irl crushes liked me back. I'll call her C. We dated for a bit, and during this time, my best friend Alex found out I wasn't straight (I'll specify my sexuality and what it is at the end.)

Alex had heard from C that I was dating someone but C hadn't clarified who it was. So, as we were in Seventh grade and still very immature, she cornered me in the bathroom during gym and asked me who my boyfriend was.

"I don't have a boyfriend," I told her after locking myself in the stall. I was literally in tears over the idea of losing her because of my liking girls, even though I deep down knew that she would never hate me for that.