Open Closets

where I'm not consumed by fear

A/N: hey lovelies, here is the 43rd chapter and it's writte by the amazing -sheriffstation . I really love this chapter thank you so much for helping <3.

I haven't known about my sexuality since my childhood, regardless of major beliefs. All this, is just a path to finding yourself.
There were many instances in my childhood that could indicate to a person that I am asexual. While watching movies, whenever even a mildly sexual scene would come up, it would be the most awkward place I've ever been to. And by mildly sexual, I mean even the tiniest peck on the lips.
My mother would frequently make me iron the clothes and most of the clothes would be inside out. Turning the clothes the right way round was actually quite terrifying to me, because the prospect of it having touched the "parts" of a human being, albeit through underwear, was just... a big no-no.
I was a huge loner in sixth grade, so nothing interesting happened, but in seventh grade, I made some friends, the type where they fawn over boys and how hot and cute they were. Hot and cute was the limit, for me and for them. And then eight grade happened. Their limits increased, and I was still stuck at the same place.
I think eight grade was the time where my whole grade just started taking dating seriously. Those girls I was friends with now began to like guys so much that they'd "totally have sex with him". Everytime they said that, well, I had a huge cringe moment. I mean, I've literally only had like, two crushes in my whole life! And I wouldn't have done the deed with them even if I was offered a million dollars.
And then came the truth and dare games. I was a bit introverted, so choosing dares was not my first choice (also cannot ignore the fact that those dares were extreme), so naturally, question for truth were thrown at me. Questions like, "tell me the top 10 people you'd have sex with" or "who do you think is the sexiest guy in class" or even "a guy who you'd like to spend the rest of your life with? Like, including having kids and all." Just imagine my embarrassment on answering these questions. Whatever you imagine, it was probably worse.
I was scared. All of my peers were totally hooked on the idea of sex but me? Definitely not.
I think this was the time around which I found out about the LGBTQ+ community. Well, the LGBT community. I had no idea pansexual, asexual etc existed.
I had no idea what these letters stood for, so I asked around and found out that it was a community for, so to speak, gay people. This community intrigued me. Honesty, I felt there was nothing wrong in loving people of the same gender or anything. I didn't get it, sure, but I had no problems.
Naturally, I looked around a bit and found out about LGBTQ+. That's when I found out about asexuality. It had me thinking, but I was afraid to identify as asexual, because I knew no one who was part of this community, and frankly, I was doubtful that anyone was a part from where I lived. So I moved on to ninth grade, still questioning myself.
And then one of my closest friends came out as bisexual to me.
And another one.
And another one.
And another one (well, this one wasn't close but she knew she could trust me)
After hearing the confessions of four people coming out as bisexual, I was... excited, to be honest. I had always wanted to have a gay friend and now I had four. And in a way, it gave me a push towards accepting myself.
After this, I had decided to start looking for ways to confirm that I was indeed asexual. So, I did the unthinkable- I decided to watch a video. Like, a video with sexual intercourse.
Well, I couldn't say it repulsed me, I don't think that is what being asexual means. I just don't like the general idea of it happening with me. But, I finally started realising that I was asexual. And I had no problem with it.
I kept it to myself for sometime, but I knew there was time where I would have to come out. I got an opportunity and I took it. I told one of my bisexual friends and a pretty close friend and honestly, it was the best feeling ever. The feelings and the emotions I felt when I said those two words were undescribable. Who knew that a sentence could have such a huge impact?
They didn't say anything at first, and that's when the anxiety creeped up. But after they seeped the news in, I was as accepted as I was before.
Your sexuality isn't something that changes who you are, instead, I think it brings out more of you. It's a part of you, one of your deepest parts, the one closest to your heart. It resides in you and though sometimes you need to tame it, it's nothing to be afraid of because it's you. And honestly, if you're afraid of yourself, are you really living?

A/N: Thank you so much for helping me again -sheriffstation. I absolutely loved this chapter!

If anyone of you needs someone to talk don't hessitate to pm any of the authors or me.           Ilysm and I will hopefully see you soon with another Update lovelies, byeee <3