Open Closets

Path to Discovery

A/N: Hey lovelies, here is the 24th chapter its written by the amazing TroylerToujours, I'm so glad she helped me and a love her so much, she's an amazing friend and so talented. A big thanks to you girl. <3

Before I begin I'd like to make a disclaimer that 1: I came out fairly recently so the after effects of coming out haven't truly hit just yet, and 2: I'm not an expert on these matters, only my own case.
Regardless of that, here I am - a 17 year old pansexual female, who has finally learnt to be comfortable with her sexuality after years of fighting it.

I was raised in France, near Paris, in a fairly liberal area. From what I can remember from my childhood, no one was an outspoken homophobe, but talking about things outside of "traditional" sexualites and genders was amost like taboo. And so I kept my own thoughts bottled up, thinking I had no one to talk to about my feelings. For years I've questioned why I felt the way I did about people. At little school, I very much liked boys. But every so often, when I was around a girl who was my friend, I'd briefly wonder what it'd be like to kiss them. I remember distinctly that one time, when I was 13, I was watching a film with a female friend and, for a moment, I was overcome with the desire just to rest my head on her shoulder, put my arm around her waist. That evening I found myself almost crying in the bathroom as I tried to figure my head out, just to decide I was a lonely girl who had a screw loose in her head. I had to bury the thoughts, forcing myself to think it was nothing. This is something I've done for years, silently questioning what was wrong with me before ignoring it once again.

But then, two years ago, I was put in a class with the only girl who was openly bisexual. And I liked her. A bit more than a friend. Not sexually as such - but romantically. Like always, I repressed it... until she came into school and said she was a he. And my feelings became a bit more complex. At first my own feelings weren't a priority. Many people were absolutely vile to him, and I ended up earning a few bruises because I supported him. But after a few months, when things settled down slightly, I started to confront my feelings, aged 15. The thing is, when it comes to having an attraction to transgenders, people have different views. Some say you could still be heterosexual. And some say it makes you pansexual.

When I found out the definition of pansexual, the term felt right to me. "Those who feel they are sexually/emotionally/spiritually capable of falling in love with all genders." But a part of me didn't want it to feel right. In one of my A/N in my fanfic I even said that I didn't think I fitted the term, and I didn't like labeling myself. But I wasn't happy like that. I actually went to a pretty dark place for a few months, and tried to hide it from basically everyone. But, like most things, you can't hide forever. My friend noticed, and he asked me what was wrong. I spilled all my fears, and the conversation ended with me admitting I felt like I could be pansexual.

And a week later I went up to him again and said I was indeed pansexual.

I'm glad the first person I spoke to about my sexuality was a member of the LGBTQ+ community, because I knew he wasn't going to shun me. But it took me a lot longer to come out to other people. Only a short while ago I came out to my dad, and that was whilst he was watching a baking show. When I said I wanted to talk he actually said "this seems serious. like you're coming out or something." And the silence that followed was basically my answer. He didn't know what the term meant, and spent a good five minutes reading up about it before he told me it didn't change anything.

I'm fortunate enough to be in a situation where I have an accepting family. Religion has never been issue for myself in terms of sexuality. The majority of my family are Sikhs, and although my immediate family don't practice it, we follow a lot of the beliefs. Although some Sikhs believe that homosexulity isn't right, there's never an entry that condones it in the scriptures. But it is said that the is that the soul is genderless, and so we believe you could be attracted to anyone. And that's why I label myself as pansexual.

Those of you who are questioning your own sexuliaty, know that it's not about labeling, it's about feeling. For a long time I didn't know how to label my feelings, and in ways, I'm still exploring it. But that doesn't matter. What matters is accepting and loving yourself. Don't try to label yourself if you're not ready. Despite what your friends and family may say, you know yourself better than anyone else. It's important to remember that over time people change. So perhaps once you associated yourself with one label, but as you grow you learn more about yourself. Identify yourself however YOU want, by your own standards.

In terms of coming out, wait until you feel comfortable with yourself. In a perfect society, people shouldn't feel the need to come out, but sadly some places aren't like that yet. If you want to come out, do. If you don't, don't. For those who do, I will pass on a good piece of advice I was given: make a playlist of empowering songs. When I listened to songs like "Girls/Girls/Boys", "Born This Way" and "Don't Stop Believin'", and took the words to heart, I found that I was a lot more confident with myself.

If you ever need help, there are so many people to reach out to, including myself. Please, if you ever feel ever to harm yourself, talk to someone - either online or those near by. Talking is always so much better than harming. Your wellbeing is FAR more important than the social expectations of knowing who you are, and pressure on your shoulders to declare your identity to the world. Thinking outside the "heterosexual cisgender" box is terrifying, I know, but take baby steps, not a leap of faith. Sometimes you don't just "know" who you are. And the path to discovery can be long and hard but it's worth it. Your happiness is worth it.

(And if you know someone who's struggling, in real life or online, give them some support. Sometimes just a simple message with a smiley face can change someone's day around)

Stay strong and remember - you are loved.

A/N: Thanks again to TroylerToujours for helping me. I absolutely adore her and this text touched me a lot. All the things she said are so true, so please listen to her. She is so incredibly sweet and caring, and she always was here for me so please let these words into your heart. You don't have to label yourself, do whatever feels right for you. The same goes for coming out, there is no need to come out if you don't want to or feel like its not the right thing to do, than don't this is your life you make the decisions and nobody can tell you otherwise. You are you, you know your feelings and yourself the best. This whole text made me so happy and everything she said is so important so please just read it again and smile with me. I love her so freaking much and she is one of my best friends even though we don't talk enough! (I had a really long, perfect and really cute and sweet end A/N all written out but wp decided it's funny to delete it so it's all gone... I'm sorry.)

Also I'm freaking sorry for the messed up update schedule but I only have two stories left and I'm really really stressed because I have a lot of exams and huge presentations this year... I'm in 10th grade so everything I learn this is important for my graduation, so I'm really sorry for not updating but I just have a lot to do...
But if you need anything, I'm still always here for you! I'm most active here and on Twitter so if you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to message me ❤️
(Twitter: josiiiiiiiii_ (9x'i'))

Ilysm lovelies, and I'll hopefully see ya soon with another update,
Byeee ❤️❤️❤️