Open Closets

Self-approval

A/N: hey lovelies, here is the 38th chapter and its written by someone who wants to be anonymous, so I will cut out all the names in this story and if the person ever wants me to unpublish this than ofc I will. Thank you so much for helping me.

Hi my name is [anonymous] and I'm a genderfluid lesbian. I was one of these "found out early" people and it was actually in third grade when i told my friends that I wouldn't mind being with a girl instead of a boy which at the time, no one had a problem with because we were like eight.

It was in fifth grade my mom started joking about how I probably was a lesbian because I never paid attention to boys but it was always an joke. My family is highly religious and had taught me that being gay was something bad and something I should hate, so i did. I shunned any LGBTQIA+ people because that's what I had been told and my brother, though he says homophobic slurs, was one who tried to convince me that being gay wasn't a choice and should be allowed to get married, but I was to stubborn to believe him.

So time skip a few month foreward, I'm in the middle of sixth grade when this girl showes up, named J. I saw her and I didn't know why but I had the huge urge to be her friend and hug her but I felt weighed down by the fact that she was way too cool for me. But we ended up in the same afterschool class which we both got along well but we were never really friends but I had this insane urge to be her friend.

So later that year I learn that one of my bestfriends, C., is gay and it kinda... doesn't repulse me like it should. It scared me but I became closer friends to learn more about her and what being gay is like which is grazy because well, I thought gays were these sex predators who didn't have the capacity to fall in love because that's what I'd been taught from my family and the church. But, what my friends described... it was just like straight relationships, but maybe a bit more accepting and loving which totally blew my mind. And I found out that C. liked J. and for some reason I was feeling jealous and I couldn't explain why I would feel jealous of a gay girl liking my bestfriend. But still, whenever C. was around I would make sure to hug J. and cuddle with her, and it gave me pride to see C. feeling jealous as well. But I still hadn't figured out why I was feeling that way so by the time i even had an inkling feeling as to what I was feeling, C. was dating J. which RUINED me for some weird reason.

Time skip to seventh grade, they break up and I'm so relieved and I don't know why and that's where my life gets confusing and scary. I had choir every morning where I would wait with J. for class to start and one day she hugs me and I get this little sharp pain in my chest and I looked at her and basically I was radiating rainbow at the time. So two weeks later, I come out to her as bisexual and she says " I kinda guessed" which made me happy in a "so I'm not imagining this? I'm really gay" way

Time skip: I think I'm in love with her in 8th grade when we hold hands all day and act like a couple and say couple things, but I still have in no way came to terms with it. But all of the sudden my life once again flips itself upside down. Because: 1) I find out we're moving away in a month. 2) I start wondering if I'm lesbian because I'd never liked a boy in my life. 3) J. starts dating my best guy friend.

Time skip: middle of 8th grade, I move away from the people I've known since kindergarten, to a place I know nothing about. *le sigh* I guess I should just talk about this but I had spend my whol life being a sunny, happy, outgoing person but when we moved I fell into a deep depression and repressed everything, and mostly, my sexuality. My grades ar school dropped, I began to get suicidal and my anxiety went from non excistent to 100% in about two weeks. I got bad habbits and forced myself to become the opposite of who I had been my entire life: a shy girl who never spoke and stayed locked away in her room all day. I went back to being homophobic basically at school, just to fit in and make myself feel more normal. I gave up on beingmyself and became who everyone wanted me to be.

So in April a few month before school goes out for summer, I begin to go to therapy. I don't come out to thw therapist because I am still so ashamed of who I am. The therapist makes me talk to my mom about all my bad habbits and my mom, being the jerk she is, says it's for attention and so does the rest of my family, which hurts a lot more than anything else. But after a while of therapy, I get the confidence to come out to a select few at school which stupidly encourage me to come out to my mom. I do, and she just shakes her head and walks away, which more or less broke my heart. My mom begins to blame everything on being gay, telling me that I'm not really gay because I've never had sex with another girl, which is totally one hundred percent not okay. I try to ignore her but being the masochistic idiot I was, I listened to her and let her fuel my sadness to further suppress my sexuality. Tip: surpressing your sexuality does not make it go away.

After a few month of therapy, it's summer and I get to spend a month without my family away from my immediate family. it gave me a great opportunity to sort out my emotions which didn't go very well because I ended up crushing on another girl, this girl taught me a lot about sexualities and genders, which but also confused me more. My feelings for that girl disappeared but she left me with so much confusion because now I was not only questioning my sexuality but also my gender.

For one, parents that joke about how their kid would be better as the other gender often don't know how correct they sometimes are. My mom and family used to say all the time that I'm the most boyish person in our household and the moment I learned what genderfluid was, it connected with me. Because yeah, somedays I loved the pronouns she/her and I liked looking super cute and girly and other days I hated my body and and everything felt wrong and my name felt gross and everything just needed to be GONE. So I figured out my gender, tough I only came out to one person for about two months. And after about a week of crying and stressing over all different sexualities, I figured out I was lesbian but that still didn't explain why I only ever had two crushes in my life and why one of those crushes lasted around a month. So I'm greyromantic/aromantic meaning I get little to no romantic feelings for people. Though, I'm not asexual (can we have a serious discussion on why people think asexuals aren't real and just need to find the right person, jfc they want like sex, get over yourself) and now, here I am. My name is [anonymous] and I'm 14, my family still doesn't accept me which is okay because the only approval I need, is my own.

Advice: your sexuality is real, and your feelings are valid. You can go, be whoever you want and choose whatever prounous you choose, love. Come out when you're sure it's 100% safe. Never let anyone EVER tell you your own sexuality, because you are the only person who knows your sexuality. (same goes for gender indentity) your. sex. organs. do. not. define. your. gender. identity.
The people who don't accept you, don't deserve an ounce of your time and effort. You are your own person and are not defined by the people who like you and the people you like. Don't be afraid to call people out if they use the wrong pronouns or asume the person you date is of has the opposite gender. Please, always do what makes you happy. Put yourself and your needs first because you're beautiful and wonderful inside out. No matter what disorder or diseas or ilness or sexuality or gender identity or grades or body type YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. Learn to love yourself and then everything after that gets a bit easier.

Love you all and I know this was long and boring but yeah, you all deserve to be happy and deserve to live long happy lives and I just love you so so so much. stay strong and proud of who you are. xoxo