Open Closets

My Answer

A/N: Hey lovelies, here is the 10th chapter, and it's written by me. It's just my story and my answer to all these fucking questions.

(written on the 9th of September)
So I struggled for a few month now. But the thing is that I'm not afraid which I guess is a good thing and I don't really had this fight with my self you know this 'I can't be gay' stuff because for me it's normal. I was raised very openly so I never had anything against LGBTQIAP+ I guess I just thought 'they are people okay, lets move on' but I do remember not really getting it. I never had something against it but I didn't understand. Even though my family is christian and partly religious they are all very supportive. My friends are all supportive too so I don't need to be afraid of their reaction and I'm really grateful for that. My aunts are gay so I grew up with it, but I never questioned my sexuality, for me it was always clear that I'm straight.

But then in the end of 2014 (September or something) I started to really watch YouTube and I saw all my favorite youtubers talking about their sexuality, it hit me: 'who do I like? Do I like girls? Can I see myself in a relationship with them? Am I bi? What about boys?' And a lot more of those... But my story is a little different because before this questions really started bugging I just didn't really knew I was questioning even though I never pushed these thoughts away. I just watched tones of coming out videos and I started to really support them and I wanted to help. I always supported LGBT+ but I just didn't knew much about it, for example if would've asked me two years ago about transgender people I would have known what that means and that it's okay but not more. So YouTube changed a lot for me because I just started thinking about it. For me it was no problem I was just like 'okay maybe I like girls... thats okay'. But the thing that was hard for me was that I had these days where I thought 'yes I think I like girls too' and then there were these days were I was just like 'wtf is happening in my mind' and I couldn't even say anything anymore. There where days were I asked myself things like 'do I even like boys? Why don't i want a boyfriend? What about Sex? Why do i don't even want a relationship or kiss people? Whats going on?' The thing is these questions do tear you down, but fortunately for me they just sometime appeared and then disappeared again. (I think it all happened somewhere in spring like April or May, definitely before June but the first questions appeared in January or February I think.)

I never really was thinking about it constantly, but that changed in the last two or three month maybe four somewhere short before the summer vacation started, all these questions were there the whole time and I started investigating, I started looking at girls in a different way and tried to imagine myself in a relationship with them. The only thing I knew was that I can see my self with a girl but only romantically and maybe making out, but not further and the same goes for guys...
I'm 15 and I've never been in love, I did had a crush on a boy once and he was my boyfriend for a few month (he's now one of my closest friends and he knows about this and the book) but I never really felt anything for a girl...

So when I started this book, it was all a huge question mark and I was totally lost but this book and my friends on wattpad helped me a lot too. After I started this book the authors of course asked about my sexuality and for the first time I could really put in words what was going on. I told one friend in school before all of this bc she's an Tumblr girl so she gets it, but i guess i never really could put in words untill chapter 3/4 when I started chatting with DHolt99 (he's now one of my bestfriends on here) and he was the first person I could really tell what was happening. After this I started to really think about it and with every chapter and every new story and author there came new questions and at the same time old ones went.

So two weeks ago I talked to one of my best friends till 6am and I told him everything and we just talked for 5 hours about sexuality, love, relationships, boys and girls. He totally understood and was cool with it and he gave me some amazing tips. So that night I stated to realize that I have to order my thought.
So two days after that night on a 6 hour train ride with two other of my closets friends, I wrote it all down. That is like the most personal thing I ever wrote and after I finished it I showed it to them and they just read it and didn't cared at all. We just talked like nothing happend. (I told them about this book before so now 4 people know about this book).