Open Closets

Realizations

A/N: Hi lovelies, here is the 8th chapter, it's written by the amazing fowlman10. He is the first person who read the book and then asked me if he could help, it made me so happy to see that people who read this want to be a part of this.
A big thanks to you. <3

So when I was growing up, I was your average kid. I played with my friends, read lots of books, and played with my cats. I was my family's poster child.
I know there's this thing in the LGBTQ+ community about how you always knew you were different, and I wanted to just say that it's not always like that. Like with me.
Obviously, I knew that gay people existed. However, I was always convinced that I was straight, that I would never have to go through the struggles that I'd hear about on the news, like a gay couple being assaulted, beaten, or even killed. I was thoroughly convinced that I would have a simple life, with a wife and kids. I guess I was just really good at shoving down my feelings then.

Fast forward to eighth grade: everyone is going through puberty, having those changes and desires pop up out of nowhere. I was worried, because I wasn't feeling the same as my friends did. They'd talk about hot girls, and I'd just laugh and say "yeah man, she looks cute" but in reality I was clueless. In the back of my mind there was this nagging thought 'am I gay?' Now, my parents aren't homophobic in the slightest. I'm really fortunate to have that, and I realize that. But I knew it wasn't bad, I just had this thought ingrained into me that gay people went through so much crap in their lives, and I believed it. And I didn't want to have that happen to me.
So, I did what any in denial gay guy would do: I tried dating girls. Well, it was only one. Lets call her Sarah. Sarah was the quiet, book-loving type. So we hung out for a bit, became friends, and eventually everyone starting shipping us. I'd get notes from her friends telling me to ask her out, "you two are so cute!1!1!1!", etc. Eventually, I asked her to the eighth grade formal, where we stood there awkwardly while the other couples held hands and danced together.
Basically it was a huge, awkward disaster.
I spent the night with my friends, eating food, and having a good time. Sarah and I decided that the whole dating thing would never work out, and we should be friends.
School ended, summer came, and with the intense heat that kept me in my room with a fan blowing 24/7, combined with the intense boredom, I went on YouTube.
Lily Singh, aka Superwoman, showed up in my suggested box, and having nothing better to do, I watched it.
5 hours later, I had watched most of her videos and was now on Connor Franta's channel, having found my way there through on of their collabs.
This was when I knew something was up with me.
My first thought when the video started was 'oh he's cute' which was followed immediately by 'wait what? No, nope, that didn't happen'
I watched more Connor, found my way to Tyler Oakley, and Hannah Hart, and finally, Troye Sivan.
That's where I saw Troyes coming out video, where I realized that everything in Troyes video applied to me. (When It came out, Connors too.) I went to the description, where the Trevor Project awaited me.
At about three am that night, I had watched about sixteen coming out videos, trawled through Trevor's coming out pamphlets, and come to the conclusion that I was indeed, gay. (I thought that maybe I was bi, but I then realized that dating girls had not stirred a single emotion in me, so I decided that I was gay.)
After that, I freaked out. I knew my parents would be cool with it, but my friends, I just didn't know. My entire friend group was made up mostly of some pretty devout Christians (and yes I know that not all Christians are homophobic, but they were the serious ones, so I thought that they would be.)
I spent the whole summer awake at ungodly hours of the morning either crying or staring at the ceiling. My friends and I texted back and forth, and eventually, in late July, I decided that I couldn't take it. Everyone constantly told me that Sarah and I should try again sometime, since we were "perfect for each other." So, one night, I emailed my closest friends, Tyler and Caleb. I told them everything, and amongst anxiety attacks and crying, I waited for their responses.
They were great.
(This is getting hella long so I'll speed through the rest)
I then texted my friends Julie, Sam, Kariana, and finally, Sarah. (I forgot to mention, the times I realized how gay I was, was in the boys locker room. This one guy, Jace, holy hell, he was good looking. I would change extra fast so I could glimpse him shirtless as I went out the door. That was probably really creepy but oops)
Anyway, they were all great, (Sarah took a while to warm up to the idea, but now she's fine with it.) I came out to the rest of my friends via Instagram, posting various lgbtq pride pictures, and that was that. My insta was unknown to most of the school, so I remained out to only my closest friends. Eventually, I uploaded a coming out video on to YouTube, and it slowly spread around the school. Lots of juniors and seniors have come up to me in the library, congratulating me on being brave enough to put a video out like that. It's really surreal, to be honest.
So, midway through ninth grade, I begin to doubt my sexuality. (Which is totally normal. Maybe your initial label just didn't fit. Don't worry) Was I really gay? Or just faking it for some weird reason? My gayness was confirmed in band class, when Harrison, a friend of mine, started talking to me more. I realized that I was hopelessly infatuated with him (unfortunately, he's straight as you can get.) I had to help him up after he fell in the band room once, and those few seconds of hand to hand contact left me breathless and with a fluttery feeling in my chest.
So yeah, now I am out and proud to my friends, as of a week ago my parents, and I'm honestly happy.
Aside from the crushing on a straight guy part. That literally crushes your soul.
But, the point I want to make is, it doesn't matter when you realize it. You can be 30 and realize that you're not straight or cis. There's no age limit. Some people always know, some don't realize for a few years. And just some advice, don't come out until you're ready. I wrote a letter to my parents when I was still confused about the whole thing, which ended up with me saying that I was just confused, and my parents going on with their "assuming I'm straight" thing. So yeah, make sure you're ready before you come out. But once you do, it's amazing. You feel free and honest and it's wonderful.
So, my name is Jonny, I'm 15, in tenth grade, and I'm gay and proud of it. I've never had a boyfriend, but my fingers are crossed and my hopes are high. If you're struggling, you can message me anytime, and I'll try to help, or redirect you to someone who will help you even more. Seriously though, www.thetrevorproject.org is amazing. They have anonymous counselors to chat with, and it really helped.
Just remember, as cliché as it sounds, it really does get better. (Hope I didn't bore you with my insanely long life story)
Peace out guys and gals and everyone in between, have a good life, and don't forget to be awesome.
~Jonny ^_^

A/N: thanks again to fowlman10 for helping me. I really like this chapter and I hope it will help some of you out there. Remember if you ever need something don't hesitate to message us or comment.
See ya soon with a new update lovelies,
Byeee❤️❤️❤️