Open Closets

Depression

A/N: Hey lovelies, here is the 20th Chapter, it's written by the incredibly sweet MariahLino. It means so much that she wanted to help me and I'm really glad to call her a friend. She's an amazing writer and I'm in love with her books. Thank you so much for helping, babe <3.
*trigger warning*

Hi, I'm Mariah Lino or as some of you know me as your favorite Reference Trash, @MariahLino.

This is something that's incredibly hard for me to open up & talk about, so bare with me here.

I'm 16 years old, soon to be 17, & currently in the 11th grade. I struggle a lot from seasonal depression & just depression in general on top of confidence, anxiety, an eating disorder, self-harming & panic attacks frequently. I know, I'm a mess.

What seasonal depression, in case you're kind of unclear about what it is exactly is that during seasons that lack sun & warmth, much like Fall/Winter, well, you get easily depressed.

You can remedy seasonal depression by talking to good friends, getting vitamins into your body, doing yoga, sitting by a bright light for about 15 minutes, many more ways to conquer it.

It happens to me basically every year, some years are far worse than others. So I'm about to tell you my own personal story & hope that this changes nothing that you feel about me because no matter what, I love all of you. ♡

I can't tell you the last time I've been truly happy because it's been forever. I can't tell you the last time I was perfectly content with who I was or how I look either because I don't remember if those times in my life ever existed.

Ever since middle school, it's been hard for me to like myself. I had small periods where I got sad, but it was nothing major. I'd be fine within a day or few days & get over it.

The only time it was serious in middle school is 7th grade, which was the year of my one & only suicide attempt. I get disappointed at times that I didn't succeed, but there are so many things I would have never gotten to see or experience if I did.

Things were moderately smooth sailing for awhile until I hit the iceberg in my life called HIGH SCHOOL.

When I started my Freshman year two years ago, within about two months, my mood had dropped dramatically. It was scary how sad I had gotten.

I had such a tough time making friends & getting people to like me. Everyone seemed so much smarter, attractive, talented, funnier, nicer than me. I literally felt like a piece of shit basically every moment of school.

I eventually started feeling so trapped in my sadness & misery & gradually, the self-hatred grew out of hand. It felt like I was constantly trying to catch a breath of air, but it was still never enough because I felt like I couldn't breathe, no matter how hard I was trying.

All I could ever do every single day when I came home from school was cry because I felt so helpless, so ugly. Eventually, it led to me self-harming for the very first time on January 12th, 2014.

Did it hurt? Compared to my emotional pain, absolutely not. I felt empty for just a few seconds every time I self-harmed & just felt relief. It was one of the terrifying things ever.

I've lost the fear of dying or causing myself pain. I'd given up on loving or caring for myself when so many people didn't give up on me. I had quit on me before everyone else did.

My Mom saw my scars about two weeks after I started & I'd literally never seen her have such a meltdown. She started crying & blaming everything on herself & my parents divorce.